Conjugal Love in Islam

1. Sexual relations are for the pleasure of both the husband and the wife and for the procreation of children. Sexual intercourse is not limited to vaginal penetration but includes other forms of sexual caressing, such as kissing and fondling of various kinds.

2. Nothing should be done that is offensive or harmful to either person. Each has a duty to be sexually available to the other, but neither has the right to disgust or injure the other.

3. With a few exceptions, the couple can engage in any activities that they like, in any manner and in any position. Allah rewards such activities as surely as he punishes sinful activities. The Qur'an says,"Women are your fields. Go then into your fields as you please." (2:223)

4. It is forbidden to have vaginal intercourse while a woman is menstruating (Qur'an 2:222). According to the Sunnah of the Prophet (God's grace and peace be upon him), a man and his menstruating wife can however give one another pleasure so long as the woman's genitals are avoided.

5. There are ahadiths that forbid anal intercourse and scholars agree that it is not permissible.

6. The Qur'an and the Sunnah are generally silent as to the various forms that sexual relations may take. Most authorities consider that it is up to the husband and wife in love and mutual respect to decide how to physically express their sexual desires.

7. What goes on in bedroom, is a private matter and should not be discussed or revealed to other persons unless there is some necessity, such as health or safety. Abu Hurairah narrates that the Prophet (pbuh) said this about people who reveal and discuss openly their sexual practices:"Do you know what those who do this are like? Those who do this are like a male and female devil who meet each other on the road and satisfy their desire while the people look on."For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your wife in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do not compare her to other women.For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are different than a women's. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an active partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice between you and hellfire.

Therefore, in Islam the husband and the wife choose their sexual activities according to the sure teaching of the Qur'an, in the light of the Sunnah as we are able to understand and appreciate it, in mutual respect for one another and knowing that the only witness to the expression of their desires will be Allah the Exalted, who will judge them according to their deeds and their heartfelt intentions.I believe that this is a matter to be decided by the husband and wife together after seeking the guidance of Allah, who alone knows best.

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Keajaiban Al-Quran 1

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Janji Allah Bagi Orang yang Akan Menikah

Ketika seorang muslim baik pria atau wanita akan menikah, biasanya akan
timbul perasaan yang bermacam-macam. Ada rasa gundah, resah, risau, bimbang,
termasuk juga tidak sabar menunggu datangnya sang pendamping, dll. Bahkan
ketika dalam proses taaruf sekalipun masih ada juga perasaan keraguan.


Berikut ini sekelumit apa yang bisa saya hadirkan kepada pembaca agar dapat
meredam perasaan negatif dan semoga mendatangkan optimisme dalam mencari
teman hidup. Semoga bermanfaat buat saya pribadi dan kaum muslimin semuanya.
Saya memohon kepada Allah semoga usaha saya ini mendatangkan pahala yang
tiada putus bagi saya.


Inilah kabar gembira berupa janji Allah bagi orang yang akan menikah.
Bergembiralah wahai saudaraku…


1. *"Wanita-wanita yang keji adalah untuk laki-laki yang keji, dan
laki-laki yang keji adalah buat wanita-wanita yang keji (pula), dan
wanita-wanita
yang baik adalah untuk laki-laki yang baik dan laki-laki yang baik adalah
untuk wanita-wanita yang baik (pula)".* (An Nuur : 26)


Bila ingin mendapatkan jodoh yang baik, maka perbaikilah diri. Hiduplah
sesuai ajaran Islam dan Sunnah Nabi-Nya. Jadilah laki-laki yang sholeh,
jadilah wanita yang sholehah. Semoga Allah memberikan hanya yang baik buat
kita. Amin.


2. *"Dan kawinkanlah orang-orang yang sendirian diantara kamu dan
orang-orang yang layak (berkawin) dari hamba-hamba sahayamu yang laki-laki
dan perempuan. Jika mereka miskin Allah akan memampukan mereka dengan
karunia-Nya. Dan Allah Maha Luas (Pemberian-Nya) lagi Maha Mengetahui".* (An
Nuur: 32)


Sebagian para pemuda ada yang merasa bingung dan bimbang ketika akan
menikah. Salah satu sebabnya adalah karena belum punya pekerjaan. Dan
anehnya ketika para pemuda telah mempunyai pekerjaan pun tetap ada perasaan
bimbang juga. Sebagian mereka tetap ragu dengan besaran rupiah yang mereka
dapatkan dari gajinya. Dalam pikiran mereka terbesit, "apa cukup untuk
berkeluarga dengan gaji sekian?".


Ayat tersebut merupakan jawaban buat mereka yang ragu untuk melangkah ke
jenjang pernikahan karena alasan ekonomi. Yang perlu ditekankan kepada para
pemuda dalam masalah ini adalah kesanggupan untuk memberi nafkah, dan terus
bekerja mencari nafkah memenuhi kebutuhan keluarga. Bukan besaran rupiah
yang sekarang mereka dapatkan. Nantinya Allah akan menolong mereka yang
menikah. Allah Maha Adil, bila tanggung jawab para pemuda bertambah – dengan
kewajiban menafkahi istri-istri dan anak-anaknya – maka Allah akan
memberikan rejeki yang lebih. Tidakkah kita lihat kenyataan di masyarakat,
banyak mereka yang semula miskin tidak punya apa-apa ketika menikah,
kemudian Allah memberinya rejeki yang berlimpah dan mencukupkan
kebutuhannya?


3. *"Ada tiga golongan manusia yang berhak Allah tolong mereka, yaitu
seorang mujahid fi sabilillah, seorang hamba yang menebus dirinya supaya
merdeka dan seorang yang menikah karena ingin memelihara
kehormatannya".*(HR. Ahmad 2: 251, Nasaiy, Tirmidzi, Ibnu Majah hadits
no. 2518, dan Hakim
2: 160)[1]


Bagi siapa saja yang menikah dengan niat menjaga kesucian dirinya, maka
berhak mendapatkan pertolongan dari Allah berdasarkan penegasan Rasulullah
Shallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam dalam hadits ini. Dan pertolongan Allah itu
pasti datang.


4. *"Dan diantara tanda-tanda kekuasaan-Nya ialah Dia menciptakan
untukmu istri-istri dari jenismu sendiri, supaya kamu cenderung dan merasa
tentram kepadanya, dan dijadikan-Nya diantaramu rasa kasih dan sayang.
Sesungguhnya pada yang demikian itu benar-benar terdapat tanda-tanda bagi
kaum yang berfikir".* (Ar Ruum : 21)


5. *"Dan Tuhanmu berfirman : 'Berdoalah kepada-Ku, niscaya akan
Kuperkenankan bagimu. Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang menyombongkan diri dari
menyembah-Ku akan masuk neraka Jahannam dalam keadaan hina dina' ".* (Al
Mu'min : 60)


Ini juga janji Allah 'Azza wa Jalla, bila kita berdoa kepada Allah niscaya
akan diperkenankan-Nya. Termasuk di dalamnya ketika kita berdoa memohon
diberikan pendamping hidup yang agamanya baik, cantik, penurut, dst.


Dalam berdoa perhatikan adab dan sebab terkabulnya doa. Diantaranya adalah
ikhlash, bersungguh-sungguh, merendahkan diri, menghadap kiblat, mengangkat
kedua tangan, dll.[2]


Perhatikan juga waktu-waktu yang mustajab dalam berdoa. Diantaranya adalah
berdoa pada waktu sepertiga malam yang terakhir dimana Allah 'Azza wa Jalla
turun ke langit
dunia[3],
pada waktu antara adzan dan iqamah, pada waktu turun hujan,
dll.[4]


Perhatikan juga penghalang terkabulnya doa. Diantaranya adalah makan dan
minum dari yang haram, juga makan, minum dan berpakaian dari usaha yang
haram, melakukan apa yang diharamkan Allah,
dll.[5]


Manfaat lain dari berdoa berarti kita meyakini keberadaan Allah, mengakui
bahwa Allah itu tempat meminta, mengakui bahwa Allah Maha Kaya, mengakui
bahwa Allah Maha Mendengar, dst.


Sebagian orang ketika jodohnya tidak kunjung datang maka mereka pergi ke
dukun-dukun berharap agar jodohnya lancar. Sebagian orang ada juga yang
menggunakan guna-guna. Cara-cara seperti ini jelas dilarang oleh Islam.
Perhatikan hadits-hadits berikut yang merupakan peringatan keras dari
Rasulullah Shallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam:


*"Barang siapa yang mendatangi peramal / dukun, lalu ia menanyakan sesuatu
kepadanya, maka tidak diterima shalatnya selama empat puluh malam".* (Hadits
shahih riwayat Muslim (7/37) dan
Ahmad).[6]


*Telah bersabda Rasulullah shallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam, "Maka janganlah
kamu mendatangi dukun-dukun itu."* (Shahih riwayat Muslim juz 7 hal.
35).[7]


*Telah bersabda Nabi shallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam, "Sesungguhnya
jampi-jampi (mantera) dan jimat-jimat dan guna-guna (pelet) itu adalah
(hukumnya) syirik."* (Hadits shahih riwayat Abu Dawud (no. 3883), Ibnu Majah
(no. 3530), Ahmad dan
Hakim).[8]


6. *"Mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan sabar dan
shalat".*(Al Baqarah : 153)


Mintalah tolong kepada Allah dengan sabar dan shalat. Tentunya agar datang
pertolongan Allah, maka kita juga harus bersabar sesuai dengan Sunnah Nabi
Shallallahu 'alaihi wa sallam. Juga harus shalat sesuai Sunnahnya dan
terbebas dari bid'ah-bid'ah.


7. *"Karena sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan,
sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan".* (Alam Nasyrah : 5 – 6)


Ini juga janji Allah. Mungkin terasa bagi kita jodoh yang dinanti tidak
kunjung datang. Segalanya terasa sulit. Tetapi kita harus tetap berbaik
sangka kepada Allah dan yakinlah bahwa sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan.
Allah sendiri yang menegaskan dua kali dalam Surat Alam Nasyrah.


8. *"Hai orang-orang yang beriman jika kamu menolong (agama) Allah,
niscaya Dia
akan menolongmu dan meneguhkan kedudukanmu".* (Muhammad : 7)


Agar Allah Tabaraka wa Ta'ala menolong kita, maka kita tolong agama Allah.
Baik dengan berinfak di jalan-Nya, membantu penyebaran dakwah Islam dengan
penyebaran buletin atau buku-buku Islam, membantu penyelenggaraan pengajian,
dll. Dengan itu semoga Allah menolong kita.


9. *"Sesungguhnya Allah pasti menolong orang yang menolong (agama)-Nya.
Sesungguhnya Allah benar-benar Maha Kuat lagi Maha Perkasa".* (Al Hajj : 40)


10. *"Ingatlah, sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu amat dekat".* (Al
Baqarah : 214)


Itulah janji Allah. Dan Allah tidak akan menyalahi janjinya. Kalaupun Allah
tidak / belum mengabulkan doa kita, tentu ada hikmah dan kasih sayang Allah
yang lebih besar buat kita. Kita harus berbaik sangka kepada Allah. Inilah
keyakinan yang harus ada pada setiap muslim.


Jadi, kenapa ragu dengan janji Allah?


------------------------------


[1] Lihat Yazid
bin Abdul Qadir Jawas, Konsep Perkawinan dalam Islam, Pustaka Istiqomah,
Cet. II, 1995, hal. 12


[2] Yazid bin
Abdul Qadir Jawas, Adab & Sebab Terkabulnya Do'a, Pustaka Imam Asy-Syafi'i,
Cet. I, Des 2004, hal. 1 – 2


[3] Allah turun
ke langit dunia setiap malam pada sepertiga malam terakhir. Allah lalu
berfirman, "Siapa yang berdoa kepada-Ku niscaya Aku kabulkan! Siapa yang
meminta kepada-Ku niscaya Aku beri! Siapa yang meminta ampun kepada-Ku tentu
Aku ampuni." Demikianlah keadaannya hingga fajar terbit. (HR. Bukhari 145,
Muslim 758) (lihat Tahajjud Nabi, Sa'id bin 'Ali bin Wahf Al Qahthani, Media
Hidayah, Sept. 2003, hal. 27).


[4] Yazid bin
Abdul Qadir Jawas, Adab & Sebab Terkabulnya Do'a, Pustaka Imam Asy-Syafi'i,
Cet. I, Des 2004, hal. 8 – 14


[5] Idem, hal.
15 – 22


[6] Abdul Hakim
bin Amir Abdat, Al – Masaa-il Jilid 3, Penerbit Darul Qalam, Jakarta, Cet.
II, 2004 M, hal. 103
[7] Idem, hal.
105
[8] Idem, hal.
101
--
Ilmu yang kamu miliki tidaklah cukup; kamu harus mengamalkannya.
Niat tidaklah cukup; kamu harus melaksanakannya.

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HIKMAH DAN HUKUM NIKAH

Oleh: Abu Hamzah Ibnu Qomari

Hikmah Syariat Nikah
1. Nikah adalah salah satu sunnah (ajaran) yang sangat dianjurkan oleh Rasul Shalallahu ‘Alaihi Wassalam dalam sabdanya:

“Wahai para pemuda, siapa di antara kalian yang mampu menikah (jima’ dan biayanya) maka nikahlah, karena ia lebih dapat membuatmu menahan pandangan dan memelihara kemaluan. Barangsiapa tidak mampu menikah maka berpuasalah, karena hal itu baginya adalah pelemah syahwat.” (HR. Bukhari dan Muslim)
2. Nikah adalah satu upaya untuk menyempurnakan iman. Rasulullah Shalallahu ‘Alaihi Wassalam bersabda:

“Barangsiapa memberi karena Allah, menahan kerena Allah, mencintai karena Allah, membenci karena Allah, dan menikahkan karena Allah maka ia telah menyempurnakan iman.” (HR. Hakim,dia berkata: Shahih sesuai dg syarat Bukhari Muslim. Disepakati oleh adz Dzahabi)

“Barangsiapa menikah maka ia telah menyempurnakan separuh iman, hendaklah ia menyempurnakan sisanya.” (HR. ath Thabrani, dihasankan oleh Al Albani)
Kisah:
Al Ghazali bercerita tentang sebagian ulama, katanya:”Di awal keinginan saya (meniti jalan akhirat), saya dikalahkan oleh syahwat yang amat berat, maka saya banyak menjerit kepada Allah. Sayapun bermimpi dilihat oleh seseorang, dia berkata kepada saya:”Kamu ingin agar syahwat yang kamu rasakan itu hilang dan (boleh) aku menebas lehermu? Saya jawab:”Ya”. Maka dia berkata:”Panjangkan (julurkan) lehermu.” Sayapun memanjangkannya. Kemudian ia menghunus pedang dari cahaya lalu memukulkan ke leherku. Di pagi hari aku sudah tidak merasakan adanya syahwat, maka aku tinggal selama satu tahun terbebas dari penyakit syahwat. Kemduian hal itu datang lagi dan sangat hebat, maka saya melihat seseorang berbicara pasa saya antara dada saya dan samping saya, dia berkata:”Celaka kamu! Berapa banyak kamu meminta kepada Allah untuk menghilangkan darimu sesuatu yang Allah tidak suka menghilangkannya! Nikahlah!” Maka sayapun menikah dan hilanglah godaan itu dariku. Akhirnya saya mendapatkan keturunan.” (Faidhul Qadir VI/103 no.8591)
3. Nikah adalah satu benteng untuk menjaga masyarakat dari kerusakan, dekadensi moral dan asusila. Maka mempermudah pernikahan syar’i adalah solusi dari semu itu. Rasulullah Shalallahu ‘Alaihi Wassalam bersabda:

“Jika datang kepadamu orang yang kamu relakan akhlak dan agamanya maka nikahkanlah, jika tidak kamu lakukan maka pasti ada fitnah di muka bumi dan kerusakan yang besar.” (HR. Hakim, hadits shahih)
4. Pernikahan adalah lingkungan baik yang mengantarkan kepada eratnya hubungan keluarga, dan saling menukar kasih sayang di tengah masyarakat. Menikah dalam Islam bukan hanya menikahnya dua insan, melainkan dua keluarga besar.
5. Pernikahan adalah sebaik-baik cara untuk mendapatkan anak, memperbanyak keturunan dengan nasab yang terjaga, sebagaimana yang Allah pilihkan untuk para kekasih-Nya:

“Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah mengutus beberapa Rasul sebelum kamu dan Kami memberikan kepada mereka isteri-isteri dan keturunan.” (QS. ar Ra’d:38
6. Pernikahan adalah cara terbaik untuk melampiaskan naluri seksual dan memuaskan syahwat dengan penuh ketenangan.
Rasulullah Shalallahu ‘Alaihi Wassalam bersabda:

“Sesungguhnya wanita itu menghadap dalam rupa setan (menggoda) dan membelakangi dalam rupa setan, maka apabila salah seorang kamu melihat seorang wanita yang menakjubkannya hendaklah mendatangi isterinya, sesungguhnya hal itu dapat menghilangkan syahwat yang ada dalam dirinya.” (HR. Muslim, Abu Dawud dan Tirmidzi)
7. Pernikahan memenuhi naluri kebapakan dan keibuan, yang akan berkembang dengan adanya anak.
8. Dalam pernikahan ada ketenangan, kedamaian, kebersihan, kesehatan, kesucian dan kebahagiaan, yang diidamkan oleh setiap insan.


Hukum Nikah
Para ulama menyebutkan bahwa nikah diperintahkan karena dapat mewujudkan maslahat; memelihara diri, kehormatan, mendapatkan pahala dan lain-lain. Oleh karena itu, apabila pernikahan justru membawa madharat maka nikahpun dilarang. Dari sini maka hukum nikah dapat dapat dibagi menjadi lima:
1. Disunnahkan bagi orang yang memiliki syahwat (keinginan kepada wanita) tetapi tidak khawatir berzina atau terjatuh dalam hal yang haram jika tidak menikah, sementara dia mampu untuk menikah.
Karena Allah telah memerintahkan dan Rasulpun telah mengajarkannya. Bahkan di dalam nkah itu ada banyak kebaikan, berkah dan manfaat yangb tidak mungkin diperoleh tanpa nikah, sampai Rasulullah Shalallahu ‘Alaihi Wassalam bersabda:

“Dalam kemaluanmu ada sedekah.” Mereka bertanya:”Ya Rasulullah , apakah salah seorang kami melampiaskan syahwatnya lalu di dalamnya ada pahala?” Beliau bersabda:”Bagaimana menurut kalian, jika ia meletakkannya pada yang haram apakah ia menanggung dosa? Begitu pula jika ia meletakkannya pada yang halal maka ia mendapatkan pahala.” (HR. Muslim, Ibnu Hibban)
Juga sunnah bagi orang yang mampu yang tidak takut zina dan tidak begitu membutuhkan kepada wanita tetapi menginginkan keturunan. Juga sunnah jika niatnya ingin menolong wanita atau ingin beribadah dengan infaqnya.

Rasulullah Shalallahu ‘Alaihi Wassalam bersabda:
“Kamu tidak menafkahkan satu nafkah karena ingin wajah Allah melainkan Allah pasti memberinya pahala, hingga suapan yang kamu letakkan di mulut isterimu.” (HR. Bukhari dan Muslim)
“Dinar yang kamu nafkahkan di jalan Allah, dinar yang kamu nafkahkan untuk budak, dinar yang kamu sedekahkan pada orang miskin, dinar yang kamu nafkahkan pada isterimu maka yang terbesar pahalanya adalah yang kamu nafkahkan pada isterumu.” (HR. Muslim)
2. Wajib bagi yang mampu nikah dan khawatir zina atau maksiat jika tidak menikah. Sebab menghindari yang haram adalah wajib, jika yang haram tidak dapat dihindari kecuali dengan nikah maka nikah adalah wajib (QS. al Hujurat:6). Ini bagi kaum laki-laki, adapun bagi perempuan maka ia wajib nikah jika tidak dapat membiayai hidupnya (dan anak-anaknya) dan menjadi incaran orang-orang yang rusak, sedangkan kehormatan dan perlindungannya hanya ada pada nikah, maka nikah baginya adalah wajib.
3. Mubah bagi yang mampu dan aman dari fitnah, tetapi tidak membutuhkannya atau tidak memiliki syahwat sama sekali seperti orang yang impotent atau lanjut usia, atau yang tidak mampu menafkahi, sedangkan wanitanya rela dengan syarat wanita tersebut harus rasyidah (berakal).
Juga mubah bagi yang mampu menikah dengan tujuan hanya sekedar untuk memenuhi hajatnya atau bersenang-senang, tanpa ada niat ingin keturunan atau melindungi diri dari yang haram.
4. Haram nikah bagi orang yang tidak mampu menikah (nafkah lahir batin) dan ia tidak takut terjatuh dalam zina atau maksiat lainnya, atau jika yakin bahwa dengan menikah ia akan jatuh dalam hal-hal yang diharamkan. Juga haram nikah di darul harb (wilayah tempur) tanpa adanya faktor darurat, jika ia menjadi tawanan maka tidak diperbolehkan nikah sama sekali.
Haram berpoligami bagi yang menyangka dirinya tidak bisa adil sedangkan isteri pertama telah mencukupinya.
5. Makruh menikah jika tidak mampu karena dapat menzhalimi isteri, atau tidak minat terhadap wanita dan tidak mengharapkan keturunan.. Juga makruh jika nikah dapat menghalangi dari ibadah-ibadah sunnah yang lebih baik. Makruh berpoligami jika dikhawatirkan akan kehilangan maslahat yang lebih besar.

Dikutip dari Majalah Qiblati Edisi 05 tahun II/ 1428H

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Kembali pada Tujuan Nikah

Oleh Leli Nurohmah

Penulis pernah mewawancarai beberapa perempuan tentang perkawinan. Jawaban yang disampaikan beragam, antara lain: “Bagi saya perkawinan adalah tahap yang harus dilalui sebagai perempuan. Kalau kita sudah dewasa ya... kawin, ngurus suami, punya anak-cucu, terus mati”. Ada lagi jawaban, ”Ketika dinikahkan, saya masih sekolah, lagi senang-senangnya bermain. Bapak bilang, “Neng besok nggak usah sekolah lagi. Kamu udah dilamar. Bulan depan kamu jadi istri muda Pak Fulan”.


Jawaban-jawaban di atas sangat akrab di telinga kita. Perempuan seolah memasuki alam baru yang jauh berbeda dengan sebelumnya. Ketika telah menjadi istri, perempuan biasanya lebih dikenal dengan nama suaminya dibanding nama sendiri. Bahkan, sering kali status perkawinan menghilangkan jati diri yang sebenarnya. Sering terdengar panggilan; Bu Darmawan, Bu Sugeng, Bu Syamsuri yang menggantikan namanya semasa gadis; Yunita, Tini, Aisyah, dan sebagainya.

Dalam konteks rumah tangga, sering dijumpai kasus-kasus kekerasan yang dialami perempuan dan anak-anak. Keluarga ternyata tidak selalu menjadi tempat yang aman bagi para perempuan dan anak-anak. Banyak kasus-kasus kekerasan dalam rumah tangga (KDRT) terjadi dan, anehnya, lepas dari jeratan hukum, hanya karena para perempuan tidak berani melaporkannya kepada pihak-pihak yang berwenang. Baginya, hal itu dianggap aib, sehingga perlu ditutupi.

Masalah lain yang perlu juga dicermati adalah poligami yang masih menjadi gaya hidup banyak laki-laki, apalagi yang mempunyai kemapanan ekonomi. Padahal model poligami ini banyak menimbulkan kekerasan terhadap perempuan dan anak-anak, baik kekerasan ekonomi, seksual, dan lain-lain. Persoalan lain yang tak kalah serius adalah nikah bawah tangan (kawin sirri) yang imbasnya ternyata banyak menimpa perempuan dan anak-anak. Lagi-lagi, korbannya adalah perempuan dan anak-anak.

Apa sebenarnya yang terjadi dengan semua ini? Padahal bila kembali pada tujuan dan hikmah perkawinan, sangatlah ideal dan indah. Al-Hamdani (h.20), misalnya, menyebut bahwa hikmah nikah adalah untuk menjalin ikatan kekeluargaan, memperkuat ikatan kasih sayang sesama mereka. Keluarga yang dihimpun dalam ikatan cinta dan kasih sayang adalah keluarga yang kukuh dan bahagia. Pandangan lain, Tandjung (h.20) menyatakan bahwa hikmah Islam mendorong perkawinan ialah menghindarkan manusia dari kerusakan, bencana, fitnah, dan lain-lain.

Bila dikaji dari definisi yang ada, nikah mengandung makna ‘aqdu tamlik (akad yang kemudian berkonotasi kepemilikan). Dalam hal ini, perempuan diasumsikan menjadi milik suaminya, setelah lepas dari sang ayah. Dalam definisi ini—yang kemudian berimbas pada relasi kuasa yang tidak seimbang antara suami istri—, istri seolah menjadi milik mutlak suami dan hilanglah otoritas diri istri. Seluruh kendali kehidupannya berada di tangan suami. Bahkan ia pun tak kuasa menentang atau berontak saat suami melakukan kekerasan terhadap dirinya yang konon bermaksud memberi pelajaran.

Pandangan di atas, seakan sudah benar-benar mengakar di alam bawah sadar para perempuan. Ketika perempuan mencintai lawan jenisnya, tahap selanjutnya adalah perkawinan yang menjadi muara dan wadah berbagi kasih sayang. Pendapat salah seorang perempuan di bagian awal tulisan seolah sudah baku dan seakan begitulah seharusnya menjadi perempuan. Cinta, kemudian, diartikan tereliminasinya kedirian perempuan dan penerimaan tanggungjawab berat yang dipikulnya, sementara ia harus melakukan semua itu dengan sukarela atas nama cinta.

Menarik apa yang diungkapkan Collins (1987, h.102) tentang cinta romantik perempuan dalam perkawinan. Ia mengatakan, secara tradisional selama ini banyak orang menganggap cinta akan berakhir dengan pernikahan yang membahagiakan. Pada kenyataannya, setelah kue pengantin selesai dibagi dan gaun pengantin dilepas, perempuan harus kembali pada kehidupan nyata selamanya sampai ajal menjemput. Seorang perempuan kemudian harus bersiap diri menata rumah barunya, menjadi istri, dan seorang ibu.

Lebih lanjut, Collins dalam tulisannya (h.101) menjelaskan pandangan Greer (1987) dan Firestone (190) bahwa skenario cinta romantik dan non romantik merupakan satu hal di antara banyak kekuatan yang mengarahkan perempuan terikat pada peran-peran gender tradisional dan berada dalam kekuasaan laki-laki. Ikatan cinta membuatnya bergantung pada suami, sehingga pembagian kerja berdasarkan gender tersebut, mereka lakukan dengan suka hati tanpa protes sedikitpun.

Jika dikembalikan pada agama, dalam Islam jelas sekali terdapat prinsip-prinsip yang seharusnya menjadi acuan dalam menjalani perkawinan. Pertama. prinsip kebebasan dalam memilih jodoh. Memilih jodoh merupakan hak bagi laki-laki dan perempuan, sepanjang tidak melanggar ketentuan yang digariskan syari’ah. Sebelum Islam, anak perempuan sama sekali tidak mempunyai hak pilih, bahkan dirinya sepenuhnya dimiliki oleh ayah atau walinya. Kedua, prinsip mawaddah wa rahmah (QS. 30:21). Mawaddah bermakna cinta kasih, sedangkan rahmah berarti kasih sayang. Mawaddah wa rahmah terbentuk dari suasana hati yang ikhlas dan rela berkorban demi kebahagiaan bersama. Suami istri sejak akad nikah hendaknya telah dipertautkan oleh ikatan mawaddah dan rahmah, sehingga tidak mudah goyah dalam mengarungi samudera perkawinan. Ketiga, prinsip saling melengkapi dan melindungi (QS. 2:187). Ayat ini mengisyaratkan bahwa sebagai makhluk, laki-laki dan perempuan, memiliki kelemahan dan keunggulan. Tidak ada yang sempurna dalam semua hal, sebaliknya tidak ada pula yang serba kekurangan. Dalam kehidupan, suami istri pasti saling membutuhkan. Masing-masing harus berfungsi memenuhi kebutuhan pasangannya, ibarat pakaian menutupi tubuh. Keempat, prinsip memperlakukan pasangan dengan sopan (mu’asyarah bi al-ma’ruf). Mu’asyarah bi al-ma’ruf dapat dipahami sebagai suatu persahabatan, perkeluargaan, perkerabatan yang dibangun secara bersama-sama dengan baik sesuai tradisi dan situasi masyarakat, tetapi tidak bertentangan dengan norma agama, akal sehat, maupun fitrah manusia (Husein Muhammad, h.107).

Jelaslah bahwa prinsip-prinsip dasar seperti digambarkan di atas sangat memberikan perlindungan bagi semua person dalam keluarga. Selain itu, pesan kehidupan yang berbasis kesetaraan sangat tampak dalam prinsip-prinsip tersebut. Memang diakui, sementara ini budaya patriarkhi masih sangat kental dalam masyarakat. Posisi laki-laki lebih diunggulkan, sementara perempuan menempati posisi kedua. Berangkat dari fenomena di atas, sudah saatnya kita mengembalikan ruh perkawinan pada tujuan dan prinsip dasar dalam Islam sehingga tercapai keselarasan hidup.

Jika persoalan dalam sebuah keluarga tidak dapat berjalan sesuai harapan maka—menurut QS 2: 229-231—suami harus menetapkan satu dari dua pilihan: pertama, memenuhi semua hak istri dan melaksanakan segala kewajibannya dengan sopan santun, dan kedua, memutuskan ikatan perkawinan dan membebaskan istrinya secara ma’ruf (patut dan sopan). Tidak ada pilihan lain. Dengan demikian, perilaku suami yang tidak mau memenuhi hak-hak istri secara patut atau tidak pula mau menceraikan dengan baik, bertentangan dengan Islam.

Jangan sampai aturan dan prinsip dasar yang disampaikan Tuhan hanya dijadikan hiasan atau “mimpi” yang sulit direalisasikan. Padahal Rasulullah telah memberikan uswah hasanah (teladan terbaik) bagi umatnya tentang bagaimana membangun keluarga sakinah mawaddah wa rahmah. Bukankah demikian? ]

source : http://www.rahima.or.id/

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Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Book 62:

Wedlock, Marriage (Nikaah), Hadiths 1 to 50

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 1:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
A group of three men came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet asking how the Prophet worshipped (Allah), and when they were informed about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said, "Where are we from the Prophet as his past and future sins have been forgiven." Then one of them said, "I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever." The other said, "I will fast throughout
the year and will not break my fast." The third said, "I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever." Allah's Apostle came to them and said, "Are you the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he who does not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me (not one of my followers)."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 2:
Narrated 'Ursa:
that he asked 'Aisha about the Statement of Allah: 'If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (the captives) that your right hands possess. That will be nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.' (4.3) 'Aisha said, "O my nephew! (This Verse has been revealed in connection with) an orphan girl under the guardianship of her guardian who is attracted by her wealth and beauty and intends to marry her with a Mahr less than what other women of her standard deserve. So they (such guardians) have been forbidden to marry them unless they do justice to them and give them their full Mahr, and they are ordered to marry other women instead of them."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 3:
Narrated 'Alqama:
While I was with Abdullah, 'Uthman met him at Mina and said, "O Abu 'Abdur-Rahman ! I have something to say to you." So both of them went aside and 'Uthman said, "O Abu 'Abdur-Rah. man! Shall we marry you to a virgin who will make you remember your past days?" When 'Abdullah felt that he was not in need of that, he beckoned me (to join him) saying, "O 'Alqama!" Then I heard him saying (in reply to 'Uthman), "As you have said that, (I tell you that) the Prophet once said to us, 'O young people! Whoever among you is able to marry, should marry, and whoever is not able to marry, is recommended to fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 4:
Narrated 'Abdullah:
We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 5:
Narrated 'Ata:
We presented ourselves along with Ibn 'Abbas at the funeral procession of Maimuna at a place called Sarif. Ibn 'Abbas said, "This is the wife of the Prophet so when you lift her bier, do not Jerk it or shake it much, but walk smoothly because the Prophet had nine wives and he used to observe the night turns with eight of them, and for one of them there was no night turn."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 6:
Narrated Anas:
The Prophet I used to go round (have sexual relations with) all his wives in one night, and he had nine wives.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 7:
Narrated Said bin Jubair:
Ibn 'Abbas asked me, "Are you married?" I replied, "No." He said, "Marry, for the best person of this (Muslim) nation (i.e., Muhammad) of all other Muslims, had the largest number of wives."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 8:
Narrated 'Umar bin Al-Khattab:
The Prophet said, "The rewards (of deeds) are according to the intention, and everybody will get the reward for what he has intended. So whoever emigrated for Allah's and His Apostle's sake, his emigration was for Allah and His Apostle; and whoever emigrated for worldly benefits, or to marry a woman, then his emigration was for the thing for what he emigrated for." (1)
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 9:
Narrated Ibn Masud:
We used to fight in the holy battles in the company of the Prophet and we had no wives with us. So we said, "O Allah's Apostle! Shall we get castrated?" The Prophet forbade us to do so.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 10:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
'Abdur-Rahman bin 'Auf came (from Mecca to Medina) and the Prophet made a bond of brotherhood between him and Sad bin Ar-Rabi' Al-Ansari. Al-Ansari had two wives, so he suggested that 'Abdur-Rahman take half, his wives and property. 'Abdur-Rahman replied, "May Allah bless you with your wives and property. Kindly show me the market." So 'Abdur-Rahman went to the market and gained (in bargains) some dried yoghurt and some butter. After a few days the Prophet saw Abdur-Rahman with some yellow stains on his clothes and asked him, "What is that, O 'Abdur-Rahman?" He replied, "I had married an Ansari woman." The Prophet asked, "How much Mahr did you give her?" He replied, "The weight of one (date) stone of gold." The Prophet said, "Offer a banquet, even with one sheep."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 11:
Narrated Sad bin Abi Waqqas:
Allah's Apostle forbade 'Uthman bin Maz'un to abstain from marrying (and other pleasures) and if he had allowed him, we would have gotten ourselves castrated.(1)
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 12:
Narrated Sad bin Abi Waqqas:
The Prophet prevented 'Uthman bin Mazun from that (not marrying), and had he allowed him, we would have got ourselves castrated.(1)
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 13o:
Narrated 'Abdullah:
We used to participate in the holy battles led by Allah's Apostle and we had nothing (no wives) with us. So we said, "Shall we get ourselves castrated?" He forbade us that and then allowed us to marry women with a temporary contract (2) and recited to us: -- 'O you who believe ! Make not unlawful the good things which Allah has made lawful for you, but commit no transgression.' (5.87)
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 13h:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
I said, "O Allah's Apostle! I am a young man and I am afraid that I may commit illegal sexual intercourse and I cannot afford to marry." He kept silent, and then repeated my question once again, but he kept silent. I said the same (for the third time) and he remained silent. Then repeated my question (for the fourth time), and only then the Prophet said, "O Abu Huraira! The pen has dried after writing what you are going to confront. So (it does not matter whether you) get yourself castrated or not."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 14:
Narrated 'Aisha :
I said, "O Allah's Apostle! Suppose you landed in a valley where there is a tree of which something has been eaten and then you found trees of which nothing has been eaten, of which tree would you let your camel graze?" He said, "(I will let my camel graze) of the one of which nothing has been eaten before." (The sub-narrator added: 'Aisha meant that Allah's Apostle had not married a virgin besides herself .)
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 15:
Narrated 'Aisha:
Allah's Apostle said (to me), "You have been shown to me twice in (my) dreams. A man was carrying you in a silken cloth and said to me, 'This is your wife.' I uncovered it; and behold, it was you. I said to myself, 'If this dream is from Allah, He will cause it to come true.' "
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 16:
Narrated Jabir bin Abdullah:
While we were returning from a Ghazwa (Holy Battle) with the Prophet, I started driving my camel fast, as it was a lazy camel A rider came behind me and pricked my camel with a spear he had with him, and then my camel started running as fast as the best camel you may see. Behold! The rider was the Prophet himself. He said, 'What makes you in such a hurry?" I replied, I am newly married " He said, "Did you marry a virgin or a matron? I replied, "A matron." He said, "Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you may play with her and she with you?" When we were about to enter (Medina), the Prophet said, "Wait so that you may enter (Medina) at night so that the lady of unkempt hair may comb her hair and the one whose husband has been absent may shave her pubic region.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 17:
Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah:
When I got married, Allah's Apostle said to me, "What type of lady have you married?" I replied, "I have married a matron' He said, "Why, don't you have a liking for the virgins and for fondling them?" Jabir also said: Allah's Apostle said, "Why didn't you marry a young girl so that you might play with her and she with you?'
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 18:
Narrated 'Ursa:
The Prophet asked Abu Bakr for 'Aisha's hand in marriage. Abu Bakr said "But I am your brother." The Prophet said, "You are my brother in Allah's religion and His Book, but she (Aisha) is lawful for me to marry."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 19:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "The best women are the riders of the camels and the righteous among the women of Quraish. They are the kindest women to their children in their childhood and the more careful women of the property of their husbands."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 20:
Narrated Abu Burda's father:
Allah's Apostle said, any man who has a slave girl whom he educates properly, teaches good manners, manumits and marries her, will get a double reward And if any man of the people of the Scriptures believes in his own prophet and then believes in me too, he will (also) get a double reward And any slave who fulfills his duty to his master and to his Lord, will (also) get a double reward."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 21:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said: Abraham did not tell lies except three. (One of them was) when Abraham passed by a tyrant and (his wife) Sara was accompanying him (Abu Huraira then mentioned the whole narration and said:) (The tyrant) gave her Hajar. Sara said, "Allah saved me from the hands of the Kafir (i.e. infidel) and gave me Hajar to serve me." (Abu Huraira added:) That (Hajar) is your mother, O Banu Ma'-As-Sama' (i.e., the Arabs).
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 22:
Narrated Anas:
The Prophet stayed for three days between Khaibar and Medina, and there he consummated his marriage to Safiyya bint Huyai. I invited the Muslims to the wedding banquet in which neither meat nor bread was offered. He ordered for leather dining-sheets to be spread, and dates, dried yoghurt and butter were laid on it, and that was the Prophet's wedding banquet. The Muslims wondered, "Is she (Saffiyya) considered as his wife or his slave girl?" Then they said, "If he orders her to veil herself, she will be one of the mothers of the Believers; but if he does not order her to veil herself, she will be a slave girl. So when the Prophet proceeded from there, he spared her a space behind him (on his she-camel) and put a screening veil between her and the people.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 23:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah's Apostle manumitted Safiyya and regarded her manumission as her Mahr.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 24:
Narrated Sahl bin Sad As-Sa'idi:
A woman came to Allah's Apostle and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have come to give you myself in marriage (without Mahr)." Allah's Apostle looked at her. He looked at her carefully and fixed his glance on her and then lowered his head. When the lady saw that he did not say anything, she sat down. A man from his companions got up and said, "O Allah's Apostle! If you are not in need of her, then marry her to me." The Prophet said, "Have you got anything to offer?" The man said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet said (to him), "Go to your family and see if you have something." The man went and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, I have not found anything." Allah's Apostle said, "(Go again) and look for something, even if it is an iron ring." He went again and returned, saying, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Apostle! I could not find even an iron ring, but this is my Izar (waist sheet)." He had no rida. He added, "I give half of it to her." Allah's Apostle said, "What will she do with your Izar? If you wear it, she will be naked, and if she wears it, you will be naked." So that man sat down for a long while and then got up (to depart). When Allah's Apostle saw him going, he ordered that he be called back. When he came, the Prophet said, "How much of the Quran do you know?" He said, "I know such Sura and such Sura," counting them. The Prophet said, "Do you know them by heart?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "Go, I marry her to you for that much of the Quran which you have."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 25:
Narrated 'Aisha:
Abu Hudhaifa bin 'Utba bin Rabi'a bin Abdi Shams who had witnessed the battle of Badr along with the Prophet adopted Salim as his son, to whom he married his niece, Hind bint Al-Walid bin 'Utba bin Rabi'a; and Salim was the freed slave of an Ansar woman, just as the Prophet had adopted Zaid as his son. It was the custom in the Pre-lslamic Period that if somebody adopted a boy, the people would call him the son of the adoptive father and he would be the latter's heir. But when Allah revealed the Divine Verses: 'Call them by (the names of) their fathers . . . your freed-slaves,' (33.5) the adopted persons were called by their fathers' names. The one whose father was not known, would be regarded as a Maula and your brother in religion. Later on Sahla bint Suhail bin 'Amr Al-Quraishi Al-'Amiri--and she was the wife of Abu- Hudhaifa bin 'Utba--came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! We used to consider Salim as our (adopted) son, and now Allah has revealed what you know (regarding adopted sons)." The sub-narrator then mentioned the rest of the narration.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 26:
Narrated 'Aisha:
Allah's Apostle entered upon Dubaa bint Az-Zubair and said to her, "Do you have a desire to perform the Hajj?" She replied, "By Allah, I feel sick." He said to her, "Intend to perform Hajj and stipulate something by saying, 'O Allah, I will finish my Ihram at any place where You stop me (i.e. I am unable to go further)." She was the wife of Al-Miqdad bin Al-Aswad.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 28:
Narrated Sahl:
A man passed by Allah's Apostle and Allah s Apostle asked (his companions) "What do you say about this (man)?" They replied "If he asks for a lady's hand, he ought to be given her in marriage; and if he intercedes (for someone) his intercessor should be accepted; and if he speaks, he should be listened to." Allah's Apostle kept silent, and then a man from among the poor Muslims passed by, an Allah's Apostle asked (them) "What do you say about this man?" They replied, "If he asks for a lady's hand in marriage he does not deserve to be married, and he intercedes (for someone), his intercession should not be accepted; And if he speaks, he should not be listened to.' Allah's Apostle said, "This poor man is better than so many of the first as filling the earth.'
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 29:
Narrated 'Ursa:
that he asked 'Aisha regarding the Verse: 'If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans (4.3) She said, "O my nephew! This Verse refers to the orphan girl who is under the guardianship of her guardian who likes her beauty and wealth and wishes to (marry her and) curtails her Mahr. Such guardians have been forbidden to marry them unless they do justice by giving them their full Mahr, and they have been ordered to marry other than them. The people asked for the verdict of Allah's Apostle after that, so Allah revealed: 'They ask your instruction concerning the women . . . whom you desire to marry.' (4.127) So Allah revealed to them that if the orphan girl had beauty and wealth, they desired to marry her and for her family status. They can only marry them if they give them their full Mahr. And if they had no desire to marry them because of their lack of wealth and beauty, they would leave them and marry other women. So, as they used to leave them, when they had no interest, in them, they were forbidden to marry them when they had such interest, unless they treated them justly and gave them their full Mahr Apostle said, 'If at all there is evil omen, it is in the horse, the woman and the house." a lady is to be warded off. And the Statement of Allah: 'Truly, among your wives and your children, there are enemies for you (i.e may stop you from the obedience of Allah)' (64.14)
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 30:
Narrated Abdullah bin 'Umar:
Allah's Apostle said, "Evil omen is in the women, the house and the horse.'
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 31:
Narrated Ibn 'Umar:
Evil omen was mentioned before the Prophet: The Prophet said, "If there is evil omen in anything, it is in the house, the woman and the horse."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 32:
Narrated Sahl bin Sad:
Allah's Apostle said, "If at all there is bad omen, it is in the horse, the woman, and the house."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 33:
Narrated Usama bin Zaid:
The Prophet said, "After me I have not left any affliction more harmful to men than women."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 34:
Narrated 'Aisha :
Three principles were established because of Barira: (i) When Banra was manumitted she was given the option (to remain with her slave husband or not). (ii) Allah's Apostle said "The Wala of the slave) is for the one who manumits (the slave). (iii) When Allah's Apostle entered (the house), he saw a cooking pot on the fire but he was given bread and meat soup from the soup of the home. The Prophet said, "Didn't I see the cooking pot (on the fire)?" It was said, "That is the meat given in charity to Barira, and you do not eat the (things given in) charity." The Prophet said, "It is an object of charity for Barira, and it is a present for us."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 35:
Narrated Aisha"
(regarding) the Verse: 'And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans...' (4.3) It is about the orphan girl who is in the custody of a man who is her guardian, and he intends to marry her because of her wealth, but he treats her badly and does not manage her property fairly and honestly. Such a man should marry women of his liking other than her, two or three or four. 'Prohibited to you (for marriage) are: ...your foster-mothers (who suckled you).' (4.23) Marriage is prohibited between persons having a foster suckling relationship corresponding to a blood relationship which renders marriage unlawful.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 36:
Narrated 'Aisha:
(the wife of the Prophet) that while Allah's Apostle was with her, she heard a voice of a man asking permission to enter the house of Hafsa. 'Aisha added: I said, "O Allah's Apostle! This man is asking permission to enter your house." The Prophet said, "I think he is so-and-so," naming the foster-uncle of Hafsa. 'Aisha said, "If so-and-so," naming her foster uncle, "were living, could he enter upon me?" The Prophet said, "Yes, for foster suckling relations make all those things unlawful which are unlawful through corresponding birth (blood) relations."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 37:
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:
It was said to the Prophet, "Won't you marry the daughter of Hamza?" He said, "She is my foster niece (brother's daughter). "
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 38:
Narrated Um Habiba:
(daughter of Abu Sufyan) I said, "O Allah's Apostle! Marry my sister. the daughter of Abu Sufyan." The Prophet said, "Do you like that?" I replied, "Yes, for even now I am not your only wife and I like that my sister should share the good with me." The Prophet said, "But that is not lawful for me." I said, We have heard that you want to marry the daughter of Abu Salama." He said, "(You mean) the daughter of Um Salama?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Even if she were not my step-daughter, she would be unlawful for me to marry as she is my foster niece. I and Abu Salama were suckled by Thuwaiba. So you should not present to me your daughters or your sisters (in marriage)." Narrated 'Ursa; Thuwaiba was the freed slave girl of Abu Lahb whom he had manumitted, and then she suckled the Prophet. When Abu Lahb died, one of his relatives saw him in a dream in a very bad state and asked him, "What have you encountered?" Abu Lahb said, "I have not found any rest since I left you, except that I have been given water to drink in this (the space between his thumb and other fingers) and that is because of my manumitting Thuwaiba."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 39:
Narrated 'Aisha:
that the Prophet entered upon her while a man was sitting with her. Signs of answer seemed to appear on his face as if he disliked that. She said, "Here is my (foster) brother." He said, "Be sure as to who is your foster brother, for foster suckling relationship is established only when milk is the only food of the child."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 40:
Narrated Aisha:
that Allah the brother of Abu Al-Qu'ais, her foster uncle, came, asking permission to enter upon her after the Verse of Al-Hijab (the use of veils by women) was revealed. 'Aisha added: I did not allow him to enter, but when Allah's Apostle came, I told him what I had done, and he ordered me to give him permission.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 41:
Narrated 'Uqba bin Al-Harith:
I married a woman and then a black lady came to us and said, "I have suckled you both (you and your wife)." So I came to the Prophet and said, "I married so-and-so and then a black lady came to us and said to me, 'I have suckled both of you.' But I think she is a liar." The Prophet turned his face away from me and I moved to face his face, and said, "She is a liar." The Prophet said, "How (can you keep her as your wife) when that lady has said that she has suckled both of you? So abandon (i.e., divorce) her (your wife)."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 42:
Narrated Um Habiba:
I said, "O Allah's Apostle! Do you like to have (my sister) the daughter of Abu Sufyan?" The Prophet said, "What shall I do (with her)?" I said, "Marry her." He said, "Do you like that?" I said, "(Yes), for even now I am not your only wife, so I like that my sister should share you with me." He said, "She is not lawful for me (to marry)." I said, "We have heard that you want to marry." He said, "The daughter of Um Salama?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Even if she were not my stepdaughter, she should be unlawful for me to marry, for Thuwaiba suckled me and her father (Abu Salama). So you should neither present your daughters, nor your sisters, to me."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 43:
Narrated Um Habiba:
I said, "O Allah's Apostle! Marry my sister, the daughter of Abu Sufyan." He said, "Do you like that?" I said, "Yes, for even now I am not your only wife; and the most beloved person to share the good with me is my sister." The Prophet said, "But that is not lawful for me (i.e., to be married to two sisters at a time.)" I said, "O Allah's Apostle! By Allah, we have heard that you want to marry Durra, the daughter of Abu Salama." He said, "You mean the daughter of Um Salama?" I said, "Yes." He said, "By Allah ! Even if she were not my stepdaughter, she would not be lawful for me to marry, for she is my foster niece, for Thuwaiba has suckled me and Abu Salama; so you should neither present your daughters, nor your sisters to me."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 44:
Narrated Jabir:
Allah's Apostle forbade that a woman should be married to man along with her paternal or maternal aunt.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 45:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "A woman and her paternal aunt should not be married to the same man; and similarly, a woman and her maternal aunt should not be married to the same man."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 46:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet forbade that a woman should be married to a man along with her paternal aunt or with her maternal aunt (at the same time). Az-Zuhri (the sub-narrator) said: There is a similar order for the paternal aunt of the father of one's wife, for 'Ursa told me that 'Aisha said, "What is unlawful because of blood relations, is also unlawful because of the corresponding foster suckling relations."
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 47:
Narrated Ibn 'Umar :
Allah's Apostle forbade Ash-Shighar, which means that somebody marries his daughter to somebody else, and the latter marries his daughter to the former without paying Mahr.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 48:
Narrated Hisham's father:
Khaula bint Hakim was one of those ladies who presented themselves to the Prophet for marriage. 'Aisha said, "Doesn't a lady feel ashamed for presenting herself to a man?" But when the Verse: "(O Muhammad) You may postpone (the turn of) any of them (your wives) that you please,' (33.51) was revealed, " 'Aisha said, 'O Allah's Apostle! I do not see, but, that your Lord hurries in pleasing you.' "
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 49:
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:
The Prophet got married while he was in the state of Ihram.
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 50:
Narrated 'Ali:
I said to Ibn 'Abbas, "During the battle of Khaibar the Prophet forbade (Nikah) Al-Mut'a and the eating of donkey's meat."

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Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners

By Rabi'ah Hakeem
In light of the experience of the past years, it is time to take stock and try to halt the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It is not unusual today to find Muslim women (and even an occasional Muslim man) who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married three or four times, their children suffering again and again through the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in the process of choosing a partner in life (although the masculine pronoun has been used throughout for the sake of simplicity, the following is generally equally applicable to both men and women).


1. Du'a. Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, Most High, in the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it necessary, pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam's special prayer for guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.
2. Consult your heart. Listen to what your inner voice, the 'radar' which Allah has given you to guide you, tells you about the prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind, which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost any- thing. For many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.
3. Enquire. Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his culture? If there is evidence that the primary reason for this marriage, despite claims to the contrary, is for convenience (greencard, money, property, etc.), forget it. This spells trouble.
4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage. Just ' seeing' someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today's conditions, where two per- sons of totally dis-similar backgrounds are meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without violating Islam's prohibition about being alone, try to understand his nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to live with.
5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you. Ask about him from various people, not just from his friends because they may conceal facts to do him a favour. And ask not only about his background, career, Islamicity, etc., but about such crucial matters as whether he gets angry easily; what he does when he is 'mad'; whether he is patient, polite, considerate; how he gets along with people; how he relates to the opposite sex; what sort of relationship he has with his mother and father; whether he is fond of children; what his personal habits are, etc. And find out about his plans for the future from people who know him. Do they coincide with what he has told you? Go into as much detail as possible. Check out his plans for the future - where you will live and what your lifestyle will be, his attitudes toward money and possessions and the like. If you can't get answers to such crucial questions from people who know him, ask him yourself and try to make sure he is not just saying what he knows you want to hear. Too many people will make all kinds of promises before marriages in order to secure the partner they want but afterwards forget that they ever made them, (this naturally applies equally to women as to men).
6. Find out about his family, his relations with his parents, brothers and sisters. What will his obligations be to them in the future? How will this affect where and under what conditions you will live? What are the character and temperament of each of his parents? Will they live with you or you with them? And are they pleased with his prospective marriage to you or not? Although it may not be the case in most Western marriages, among Muslims such issues are often crucial to the success or failure of a marriage, and answers to these questions need to be satisfactory to ensure a peaceful married life.
7. Understand each other's expectations. Try to get a sense of your prospective partner's under- standing of the marriage relationship, how he will behave in various situations, and what he wants of you as his spouse. These are issues which should be discussed clearly and unambiguously as the negotiations progress, not left to become sources of disharmony after the marriage because they were never brought up beforehand. If you are too shy to ask certain questions, have a person you trust do it for you. At an advanced stage of the negotiations, such a discussion should include such matters as birth control, when children are to be expected, how they are to be raised, how he feels about helping with housework and with the children's upbringing, whether or not you may go to school or work, relations with his family and yours, and other vital issues.
8. See him interacting with others in various situations. The more varied conditions under which you are able to observe your prospective partner, the more clues you will have as to his mode of dealing with people and circumstances.
9. Find out what his understanding of Islam is and whether it is compatible with your own. This is a very important matter. Is he expecting you to do many things which you have not done up to this point? If he emphasises " Haraams", especially if you are a new Muslimah, and seems unable to tolerate your viewpoint, chances are your marriage will be in trouble unless you are flexible enough to accommodate yourself to his point of view and possibly a very restrictive lifestyle. Let him spell out to you clearly how he intends to practise Islam and how he wants you to practise it as his wife so there will be no misunderstandings later.
10. Don't be in a hurry. So many marriages have broken because the partners are in such haste that they don't take time to make such vital checks as the ones outlined above and rush into things. Shocking as it may seem, marriages between Muslims which are contracted and then broken within a week or a month or a year have become common place occurrences among us. Don't add yourself to the list of marriage casualties because you couldn't take time or were too desperate for marriage to find out about or get to know the person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life.
11. Ask yourself, Do I want this man/woman to be the father/mother of my children? If it doesn't feel just right to you, think it over again. Remember, marriage is not just for today or tomorrow but for life, and for the primary purpose of building a family. If the person in question doesn't seem like the sort who would make a good parent, you are likely to find yourself struggling to raise your children without any help from him or her - or even with negative input - in the future.
12. Never allow yourself to be pressured or talked into a marriage. Your heart must feel good about it, not someone else's. Again, allegations of "Islamicity" - he is pious, has a beard, frequents the Masjid, knows about Islam; she wears Hijab, does not talk to men- are not necessarily guarantees of a good partner for you or of a good marriage, but are only a part of a total picture. If an individual practises the Sunnah only in relation to worship or externals, chances are he /she has not really understood and is not really living Islam. Possessing the affection and Rahmah (mercy) which Islam enjoins between marriage partners is vital for a successful relationship, and these are the important traits to be looked for in a prospective partner.
13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or in exchange for a sum of money. (Mut'a marriage). Such marriages are expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is a sinful act, as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.
If these guidelines are followed, Insha' Allah the chances of making a mistake which may mar the remainder of your life may be minimised.
Choosing a marriage partner is a most serious matter, perhaps the most serious decision you will ever make in your life since your partner can cause you either to be successful or to fail miserably, in the tests of this life and, consequently, in the Here- after. This decision needs to be made with utmost care and caution, repeatedly seeking guidance from your Lord.
If everything checks out favourable, well and good, best wishes for happiness together here and in the Hereafter. If not, better drop the matter and wait. Allah your Lord knows all about you, His servant, and has planned your destiny and your partner for you. Be sure that He will bring you together when the time is right. As the Qur'an enjoins, you must be patient until He opens a way for you, and for your part you should actively explore various marriage leads and possibilities.
Two words addressed to brothers arc In order here. If you are marrying or have married a recent convert to Islam, you must be very patient and supportive with her. Remember, Islam is new to her, and chances are that she will not be able to take on the whole of the Shari'ah at once - nor does Islam require this, if you look at the history of early Islam. In your wife 's efforts to conform herself to her new faith and culture, she needs time and a great deal of support, love, help and understanding from you, free of interference from outsiders. It is best to let her make changes at her own speed when her inner being is ready for them rather than demanding that she do this or that, even if it means that some time will elapse before she is ready to follow certain Islamic injunctions. If the changes come from within herself, they are likely to be sincere and permanent; otherwise, if she makes changes because of pressure from you or from others, she may always be unhappy with the situation and may look for ways out of it. You can help her by being consistent in your own behaviour. So many Muslims apply those parts of the Qur'an or Sunnah which suit them and abandon the rest, with resulting confusion in the minds of their wives and children. Thus, while firmly keeping the reins in your hands, you should look at your own faults, not hers, and be proud and happy with the efforts she is making. Make allowances, be considerate, and show your appreciation of the difficult task she is carrying out by every possible means. This will cause her to love and respect you, your culture, and Islam to grow infinitely faster than a harsh, dominating, forceful approach ever could.
Finally, a word of warning. Certain situations have occurred in which women, posing as Muslims (or perhaps actually having made Shahaadah), have deceived and made fools of numbers of Muslim men. Such women may be extremely cunning and devious, operating as poor, lonely individuals in need of help and/or husbands. The brothers who fall into this net may be shown false photos, given false information or promises, cheated in all sorts of ways, and finally robbed of anything the conniving lady can manage to take from them. As was said, it is wise to check out any prospective partner with local Muslims who know her.
Keep your eyes open and take your time. Since marriage is for life, for eternity, hurrying into it for any reason whatsoever is the act of a foolish or careless person who has only himself or herself to blame if things go wrong.

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Weddings: A Time to Thank Allah

By Muhammad Ash-Shareef
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” - Surah Ar-Rum, 21
In this time of happiness, when gifts are received, hugs are generously donated, and laughter sprinkles the tables, we must remember who gave this all to us.
In this verse, Yamtann Allahu Alayna – Allah reminds of us of His favour upon us. Every husband in this room, it is Allah that created your bride. Every bride in this room, Allah created your husband. Allah created the pairs and then blessed the pair with love and mercy.
Then Allah says: “Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought”. Let’s take the time now to give a little thought to Allah’s favour upon us.
Sulayman – alayhis salam – sat his son down one day and taught him about Allah and life. Allah mentions what he said:
"And We enjoined upon man (care) for his parents. His mother carried him, (increasing her) in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years: Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to me is the (final) destination.”
Thank Allah:
1. Every thing that you enjoy, everything that you love is from Allah:
“And whatever you have of blessing (indeed) it is from Allah!”
2. Thank Allah, remember Him and He will remember you. Allahu akbar!
“Remember me and I shall remember you, and be thankful to Me and do not be ungrateful.”
3. Allah will give us more when we are thankful:
“And (remember) when your lord proclaimed, ‘if you are grateful, I will surely increase you; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.”
I’ve heard of Muslims that regularly donate half a million dollars to the Democratic Party to have their picture taken with Clinton and his wife! They place these pictures up in the middle of their homes in all pride and honour.
Yet to every parent, let me draw your attention the most noble picture to put up in your home. Allah ta’ala put His majesty and every parent in this world in a portrait: “Be grateful to Me and to your Parents!”
Scholars have said that being grateful to Allah is to be grateful for the Iman that He has blessed us with. And to be thankful to our parents is to be grateful for the hard work they went through to raise us.
Ibn Abbas raa said, “There are three things that will not be accepted if it’s mate is not fulfilled. (And he mentioned), “Thank Me (Allah) and your Parents...” – Luqmaan 31/14.
Ibn Abbaas continued, “Thus whoever thanks Allah and is not thankful to his parents, Allah will not accept it from him.”
The scholars understood this and set the example for us. Haywah bin Shurayh (ra), one of the Imam’s of our Ummah, used to give classes in front of his home. During the class, his Mother would call him to feed the chickens. He would stand up, leave the Halaqah, and go feed the chickens.
Sufyan ibn Uyaynah – one of the Ummah’s greatest scholars – said, “Whoever prays the 5 salah has been grateful to Allah. And whoever prays for his parents after the Salah has been grateful to them.”
My mother in Law, Ali’s mother once told me about when Ali was young. He would come home from school, run up to her and give her the strongest hug. Then he would top it off with, “Mummy I love you.” She would mention the story and then let a tear drop.
As we get older, words like ‘I love you’ become harder for us to say. Yet as much as it becomes harder for us to say, as much as it becomes more precious to the parents.
I ask Allah ta’ala that we not forget this innocence, when we were without sin, when we used to bring a smile to our parents.
Let’s keep making them smile. And In doing so, we would be thanking Allah.

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Muslim World Marriage Customs

by Amber Rehman
In the Muslim world, marriage customs and traditions vary as much as the colors in a rainbow.
All retain the Islamic obligatory acts, which make a marriage valid and include other practices, which are individual to their surrounding cultures.
Here are customs from some parts of the Muslim world. Please note: not all Muslim marriage customs are necessarily in line with Islamic values.
India and Pakistan
In the Indian subcontinent, a marriage is reserved to three days of customs and traditions.
The Mehndi is the event where you put henna on the bride and groom's hands. Marked by traditional songs and dances, it sometimes extends to two days - one day over at the groom's place to put henna on his hand and the second day over at the bride's house to put henna on hers.
The actual Nikah is called a Shadi, which is traditionally done by the bride's side. This is the signing of official paperwork in the presence of an Imam.
After signing these papers and doing some religious ceremony, the couple is declared husband and wife. To celebrate, guests eat of the many lavish dishes that are served.
To announce the marriage officially the Walima takes place as a feast given by the groom's family. Both husband and wife welcome the guests and mingle with them while people eat dinner.
The United Arab Emirates (UAE)
As a tradition in the UAE, the setting of the wedding date marks the beginning of the bride's preparation for her wedding.
Although the groom is also put through a series of preparations, the bride's are more elaborate and time consuming.
She is lavished with all sorts of traditional oils and perfumes from head to toe. Traditionally, she is not seen for forty days by anyone except for family members as she rests at home in preparation for her wedding day.
During the week which precedes the wedding, traditional music, continuous singing and dancing take place, reflecting the joy shared by the bride and the groom's families.
Laylat Al Henna (literally, the night of the henna), which takes place a few days before, is very special night for the bride, since it is a ladies' night only.
On this night, the bride's hands and feet are decorated with henna. The back-to-back feasts and celebrations involve both men and women who usually celebrate separately.
Egypt
Egypt has been exposed to many civilizations, such as the Greek, Roman and Islamic ones. The marriage customs of Egyptians make it easy for a couple to get to know one another, for the families meet often.
It starts by the suitor's parents visiting his fiancee's house to get her family approval to complete the marriage and reaching an agreement, which contains two main items: an amount of money, called Mahr, paid by the suitor to his fiancee's family to help them prepare the furniture of their daughter and a valuable jewelry gift, called Shabka, given by the suitor to his fiancee. The value of this gift depends on the financial and social levels of the suitor's family.
When the two parties complete the agreement, they fix an appointed date for the engagement party.
When the house of the new family becomes ready, the two families fix a date for the wedding party.
The night before wedding day, the relatives, friends and neighbors get together to celebrate "the Henna Night".
The next day, the marriage contract is signed and registered. After sunset, the wedding party starts and the couple wears their best dresses and jewelry.
Malaysia
In the Malaysian tradition, the bride and groom are treated as "king and queen for a day".
During the betrothal, the pre-wedding meeting between the bride and the groom's parents, the dowry that will be given to the bride is determined as well as the date of the solemnization.
The berinai (henna application) ceremony is held prior to the wedding. The bride's palms and feet are 'decorated' with the dye from the henna leaves.
Akad Nikah, which is the signing of the contract, is normally presided over by a Kadhi, a religious official of the Syariat (Shariat) Court. A small sum of money called the Mas Kahwin seals the contract.
The recent trend is to hold the solemnization in the mosque as was performed during the Prophet Muhammad's time (peace and blessings be upon him).
Singapore
In the tradition of Singapore, the Mak Andam (beautician) as well as members of the bride's family will waylay the groom and ask for an 'entrance fee after the bride is ready.
Only when they are satisfied with the amount would they allow the groom to see his bride.
After successfully overcoming the 'obstacles', the marriage ceremonies take place. Relatives sprinkle petals and rice (fertility symbols) on the couple seated on the 'throne'.
Reprinted from Soundvision

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The Waleemah (Wedding Feast) in Islam

By Nurul Aiman - reprinted from Mukmin.com
The waleemah is a food reception which follows the consummation of marriage, to make the marriage public. It is offered by the parents of the married couple, by their friends, or by the newly married couple themselves. Friends, relatives, and neighbors are usually invited.The companion Anas reported that the Prophet SAW saw a trace of yellow on Abd Ar- Rahman Ibn Auf, and asked what is this? He answered: "I got married". Then, the Prophet SAW said,

"May Allah make it a blessing for you. Have a waleemah, even with only a sheep." [Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmizi, Abu Dawood and Maalik]
Since marriage is such a joyful event for the whole Muslim neighborhood, playing tambourines and having decent and allowable singing are recommended during the celebration. According to Aishah (r.a), it is a sunnah of the Prophet SAW to announce a marriage and to make it in the mosque.
Once, Aishah organised a wedding feast for a woman who wed a man from Al-Ansaar. The Prophet SAW advised Aishah to do some entertainment due to the tradition of Al-Ansaar.
We must keep in mind, however, that the marriage celebrations should not violate any Islamic law. The word entertainment in the Islamic context should not be misinterpreted.
People who attend the celebrations should not mix in any un-Islamic way. Both men and women should wear proper Islamic dress during the celebration, and the songs they sing should not contain any obscene words or words that violate the Islamic code of decency and manners. Islamic standards must be upheld regardless of the type of occasion one is participating in.
Some people have begun practicing traditions which are completely against Islamic teachings. The tradition of bringing a musical band and female dancer to dance before men is prohibited in Islam. Another un-lslamic tradition is the use of a gold ring by the groom; this was prohibited by the Prophet SAW. Silver rings are allowed for men and women, while wearing gold ornament is allowed for women only.The tradition of trading rings is borrowed from other societies, and Muslims are told not to imitate non-Muslims in such traditions.
A groom should not feel obligated to have an extravagant marriage celebration, as this is a financial burden which could leave him in debt for years to follow. This could in turn discourage men from getting married. Marriage is an occasion for presenting the new family with gifts by relatives and friends. Gifts that are given with sincerity and consent strengthen the love between people.The Prophet SAW said,
"Exchange gifts, strengthen your love of one another." [Tirmizi]
One should always keep in mind the real reason behind giving gifts -- to strengthen the mutual relationships between people. Therefore, gifts should be affordable and given to others voluntarily. Unfortunately, most have forgotten this and the gifts have become burdens on those who give them; this weakens relationships between people instead of strengthening them.
People today write down what others have given them and the prices of such presents and then feel obligated to buy that person a gift equal in value. This is completely un-Islamic, and it does not follow the teachings of the Prophet SAW. Some vary in their social positions and have different financial statuses, and feeling obligated to buy a gift equal to that presented would soon end close relationships between people of different economic backgrounds. This will in turn build social barriers.
Finally, congratulations are offered to the bride by the women around her and by her relatives and friends; the groom is congratulated by other men. The best of congratulations is that reported by Abu Hurairah that the Prophet SAW said to people who got married:
"May Allah make it a blessing for you and a blessing to you, and bring you together with all that is good." [Tirmizi, Abu Dawood and Al-Hakim]
Marriage is a sacred bond between two people people. It binds not only hearts of two persons, but two distinguished extended families. Indeed, a good start in a whole new life as a husband and wife will serve as a strong foundation for the coming future.

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Al-Nikah: the Islamic Marriage Ceremony

Mohammad Mazhar Hussaini

Mutual Agreement of Bride and Groom
Marriage (nikah) is a solemn and sacred social contract between bride and groom. This contract is a strong covenant (mithaqun Ghalithun) as expressed in Quran 4:21). The marriage contract in Islam is not a sacrament. It is revocable.

Both parties mutually agree and enter into this contract. Both bride and groom have the liberty to define various terms and conditions of their liking and make them a part of this contract.


Mahr
The marriage-gift (Mahr) is a divine injunction. The giving of mahr to the bride by the groom is an essential part of the contract.

'And give the women (on marriage) their mahr as a (nikah) free gift" (Quran 4:4)

Mahr is a token commitment of the husband's responsibility and may be paid in cash, property or movable objects to the bride herself. The amount of mahr is not legally specified, however, moderation according to the existing social norm is recommended. The mahr may be paid immediately to the bride at the time of marriage, or deferred to a later date, or a combination of both. The deferred mahr however, falls due in case of death or divorce.

One matrimonial party expresses 'ijab" willing consent to enter into marriage and the other party expresses 'qubul" acceptance of the responsibility in the assembly of marriage ceremony. The contract is written and signed by the bride and the groom and their two respective witnesses. This written marriage contract ("Aqd-Nikah) is then announced publicly.

Sermon
The assembly of nikah is addressed with a marriage sermon (khutba-tun-nikah) by the Muslim officiating the marriage. In marriage societies, customarily, a state appointed Muslim judge (Qadi) officiates the nikah ceremony and keeps the record of the marriage contract. However any trust worthy practicing Muslim can conduct the nikah ceremony, as Islam does not advocate priesthood. The documents of marriage contract/certificate are filed with the mosque (masjid) and local government for record.

Prophet Muhammad (S) made it his tradition (sunnah) to have marriage sermon delivered in the assembly to solemnize the marriage. The sermon invites the bride and the groom, as well as the participating guests in the assembly to a life of piety, mutual love, kindness, and social responsibility.

The Khutbah-tun-Nikah begins with the praise of Allah. His help and guidance is sought. The Muslim confession of faith that 'There is none worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is His servant and messenger" is declared. The three Quranic verses (Quran 4:1, 3:102, 33:70-71) and one Prophetic saying (hadith) form the main text of the marriage. This hadith is:

'By Allah! Among all of you I am the most God-fearing, and among you all, I am the supermost to save myself from the wrath of Allah, yet my state is that I observe prayer and sleep too. I observe fast and suspend observing them; I marry woman also. And he who turns away from my Sunnah has no relation with me". (Bukhari)

The Muslim officiating the marriage ceremony concludes the ceremony with prayer (Dua) for bride, groom, their respective families, the local Muslim community, and the Muslim community at large (Ummah)

Marriage (nikah) is considered as an act of worship (ibadah). It is virtuous to conduct it in a Mosque keeping the ceremony simple. The marriage ceremony is a social as well as a religious activity. Islam advocates simplicity in ceremonies and celebrations.

Prophet Muhammad (S) considered simple weddings the best weddings:

'The best wedding is that upon which the least trouble and expense is bestowed". (Mishkat)

Primary Requirements
Mutual agreement (Ijab-O-Qubul) by the bride and the groom
Two adult and sane witnesses
Mahr (marriage-gift) to be paid by the groom to the bride either immediately (muajjal) or deferred (muakhkhar), or a combination of both
Secondary Requirements
Legal guardian (wakeel) representing the bride
Written marriage contract ("Aqd-Nikah) signed by the bride and the groom and witnesses by two adult and sane witnesses
Qadi (State appointed Muslim judge) or Ma'zoon (a responsible person officiating the marriage ceremony)
Khutba-tun-Nikah to solemnize the marriage
The Marriage Banquet (Walima)
After the consummation of the marriage, the groom holds a banquet called a walima. The relatives, neighbors, and friends are invited in order to make them aware of the marriage. Both rich and poor of the family and community are invited to the marriage feasts.

Prophet Muhammad (S) said:

'The worst of the feasts are those marriage feasts to which the rich are invited and the poor are left out". (Mishkat)

It is recommended that Muslims attend marriage ceremonies and marriage feasts upon invitation.

Prophet Muhammad (S) said:

"...and he who refuses to accept an invitation to a marriage feast, verily disobeys Allah and His Prophet". (Ahmad & Abu Dawood)

Reprinted from Marriage and Family in Islam by Mohammad Mazhar Hussaini

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How To Help Muslims Get Married

Source : zawaj.com

Tips for Parents and Imams
Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims in North America is one of the highest in the world.
According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus, Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent.
The world’s highest is the general U.S. population’s of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdom’s of 36 percent.
Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable differences.
But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had played their role right when communication between two Muslims seeking marriage began.
Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:
HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:
The older woman noticed her instantly.
The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect for her dear son Muhsin.
As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking to someone of a darker complexion.
The woman rushed up.
“Assalamu alaykum,” she said smiling at the American Muslima.
“Wa alaykum as Salaam,” replied the sister and her friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor with which they were being greeted.“I would like you to marry my son,” said the woman barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye contact at all with her friend.
“But, but why,” she stammered.
“Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab. You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!”
(This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of two of the people involved has been changed
*******
While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect out of the blue will “reserve” this person for their son/daughter.
If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.
1.Understand your role
Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter of your child’s marriage. This may be how marriages were arranged “back home” in a Muslim country, but it is not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims who have grown up in the West.
That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in the process. They:
a. suggest individuals as prospective spousesb. thoroughly screen and check proposals, call referencesc. act as the third party between the two candidates
2. Talk to your kids about what you both want
Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.
You may live in the same household as your children and think you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find their kids’ ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically different from what they expected.
Marrying cousin X or Y from “back home” may just not be acceptable.
Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of Islamic knowledge and practice.
Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.
3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate
Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when they will meet prospective candidates.
Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and woman spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It is just to “have fun”. There is no little to no serious discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.
Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they want to go out alone, with no third party present to “get to know each other”. This can also develop through hours of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.
Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your responsibility as a Muslim parent.
The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must be chaperoned so the two are not alone together, both prospective partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic in the course of discussions (for more explanation of some of these points see the article 6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse at www.soundvision.com).
One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be very alert.
4. Give an allotted time for the meeting
Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two to meet and talk.
5. Investigate thoroughly
One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.
Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the rest of their life with their son or daughter.
Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.
The case of one Imam’s daughter in the U.S. serves as a chilling example.
This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims. The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.
Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another good way of fact checking on a proposal.
One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out, one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative. Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about this.
6. Be honest
Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be honest with regards to their credentials, background and other pertinent details about their personal lives.
Inflating your son or daughter’s educational credentials, for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is untrue.
7. Take your time
Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and references.
Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys and girls.
8. Never Be pushy
(Another true story)
A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she was studying at one of America’s most prestigious universities) stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.
Why?
Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide who she would spend the rest of her life with.
This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure some parents apply to get their kids to marry the “right one”, often in complete variance with what the young man or woman is looking for.
Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is suicide as a way out of difficult situations.
Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal. It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter. This can even reach the level of harassment at times.
Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger to your children’s future, as well as that of your grandchildren. Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?
HOW IMAMS CAN HELP
Imams in North America do more than deliver a weekly Khutbah and lead prayer. They are, whether they and others realize it or not, responsible for their community’s emotional and psychological well-being as well.
So Imams don’t just officiate marriages. They have to become involved with them as well. This role can take three main forms.
1. Being a guardian for sisters
Alhamdulillah, a large number of those converting to Islam are women. Most of these sisters should and do seek marriage with a Muslim. The problem though, is that they don’t have the family support needed in seeking the right mate. In most cases they have been cast out of their families because of their conversion to Islam, or they just don’t want non-Muslim family members involved in their marriage decisions.
This is where you, as an Imam, must step in .These sisters need to have a third party to advise and mediate on their behalf. Being new to the Muslim community, they don’t usually know who is who and can be easily deceived. These Muslim women must be protected against abuse and deception on the part of men who may take advantage of their lack of knowledge of the community.
Imams should not wait for a sister to approach them. Once you see such a Muslima inquire discreetly if you can help in this important area of her life. She may feel shy asking you directly, so you may have to take the first step.
2. Vouching for good brothers
An Imam is a great reference for a brother who regularly attends a mosque and is Islamically involved. Helping practicing, honest and decent brothers marry with your “stamp of approval” will possibly increase their chances of getting married. Many Muslim women’s parents and third party will feel a sense of assurance if an Imam vouches for a brother than if a friend or relative does.
3. Providing the right information
The Imam is also the best person to ask to confirm someone’s Islamic practice. A brother may say he attends Mosque X in city Y, but this can only really be confirmed by the Imam there, who knows, for example who attends which prayers in congregation, who comes only at Juma or only on Eid.
As well, Imams are often asked for help by Muslims in their mosque and are keenly aware of their problems at some level. This can also help a third party seeking information about a prospective candidates who attends your mosque.
4. A note about Gheebah (backbiting)
While backbiting is generally forbidden by Islam, marriage investigations are an exception to this rule.
As an Imam, you may be told information about a person in confidence: financial problems, family abuse, drug and/or alcohol consumption, etc. While these and other problems should remain the business of the individual who has told you in general, in the case of marriage, you must provide complete information about someone you know has a problem.
If a father wants to know about the character of a brother who has proposed to his daughter, and you as an Imam know this brother does drugs, drinks, lies or steals, you must tell this father. His daughter’s life is at stake here.
Seeking the right husband or wife is something to be commended for. It is also the responsibility of the Muslim community to help those who are seeking marriage in fulfilling this Sunnah and part of our faith

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8 General Tips for a Muslim Wedding

By Samana Siddiqui, SoundVision Foundation, Bridgeview, Illinois

There are plenty of things to consider in wedding planning and arrangement. These are a few things which are either unknown or forgotten:

1. Invite the poor

According to one Hadith, the worst meal is the feast of a Walima in which rich people are invited and poor people are left out.

Don't let your Walima be a class-based affair. Make sure that all guests are welcome, regardless of their economic situation.

2. Invite a multiethnic audience

Make your wedding party more representative of the Ummah (the worldwide Muslim community) by inviting Muslims of different ethnic backgrounds, whether it's the local Imam and his family who are Turkish, the African-American Muslima who accepted Islam recently or the Lebanese family in your neighborhood.

3. Practice gender privacy at your wedding

This means providing women-only space where sisters who observe different levels and types of Hijab feel comfortable.

Most sisters like to dress up for a wedding, but they want to enjoy themselves without being watched by strange men. Also remember that your other guests have nothing to lose with this kind of set up so in the end, providing for women-only space works out for the best for everyone.

There are different ways to accommodate women-only space in a hall.

You can have separate rooms for men and women. This is the ideal solution for maximum privacy.
You can have a room in which there is a curtain or a row of tall plants.
In larger halls, you can make two distinct areas.
If your family tradition is not to have weddings arranged in this way, consider this: you will Insha Allah (if Allah wills) receive Allah's blessings if you do so for seeking to accommodate your guests and trying to observe an Islamic practice which has been in place for about 1400 years.

In programs where women-only space is provided, children need to be divided up between parents. Older boys should stay with their dads. Older girls stay with mom. Young girls who are toilet trained can also go with dad.

It should also be remembered that professional photographers can violate the privacy of individuals by taking photos or videos without their consent. If you are taking photos or videos make sure not to include non-relatives or those who do not want their picture taken.

4. Set up a hospitality line

This is a line of hosts who will welcome guests when they arrive at the wedding.

Those who will be included in the hospitality line need to be told in advance that they will be part of it. They should not be told once they reach the hall for the wedding.

5. Have the hosts make rounds during dinner

When guests are digging into dinner, hosts should go around, making sure everyone has what they need and inviting those who are finished to take more.

6. Set the stage

It should be decided by the hall committee who will sit on stage at the wedding and exactly where. This has to be done carefully. The feelings of relatives and close family friends are important to consider when making decisions about this.

7. Make sure to set up a gift table

Where are you going to put all those goodies? Set up a specific gift table near the stage with a sign saying "Please put gifts here. Thank you."

8. Mind the bathrooms

Take into account how many guests are coming and see if the washrooms at the hall are big enough. If it's a large gathering, request hall administrators to have a cleaning person come in every half hour or so to clean up quickly in between.

Also, if one of the prayers occurs during the wedding, that means the washrooms will be used for Wudu (ablution before prayer). Ask the hall administrators to accommodate this by providing extra paper towels.

9. Avoid making unnecessary announcements

Avoid making unnecessary announcements of any sort during the program and keep the microphone close by so children do not mess around with it.

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Muslim Wedding in India

Muslim wedding are celebrated on a grand scale in India. The wedding custom and rituals has come down from the Moghul rulers in the medieval India. Muslim families in India follow the traditional way of wedding. Indian Muslims mostly follow the same customs and rituals in Nikah, as followed by the Middle Eastern Muslims. Just like Hindu religion Muslim wedding is also divided into three parts the pre wedding celebration, main day celebration and post wedding celebration. And each celebration has its own significance and importance.Pre-wedding Ceremonies:Mehndi ceremonyThe Mehndi ceremony is mainly held at the bride's place on the eve of the wedding ceremony or a few days before the wedding. It is mainly a ladies function where female friends, family members and relatives of the bride come together to apply turmeric paste to the bride to bring out the glow in her complexion. A mehndiwali or a relative applies mehndi on the hands and feet of the bride. While she applies mehndi to the bride the woman folk sings traditional song and dance to the tune of those songs. The event gives a festive touch to the celebration. On this occasion the bride wears light color clothes and dresses soberly. According to the custom the bride should not step out of the house for the next few days till her marriage. On mehendi function the bride's cousins applies a dot of mehndi on the palm of the groom. Other than the mehendi celebration there are some other ceremonies in both the bride and groom's house.Main Day CeremonyThe wedding is normally held in the bride's place if not than it is celebrated at a common venue. On the main day the groom arrives with his family and friends at the wedding venue. This ritual is known as welcoming the baraat. And his guests are called baraati. A band of musicians also accompanies the baraati and the groom. The groom shares a drink of sherbet with the bride's brother. The bride's sisters play pranks and slap the guests playfully with batons made of flowers.NikaahThe main wedding ceremony is called Nikaah in Muslim religion. The wedding ceremony is normally conducted at the bride's place or at any common venue. A Maulvi or priest in the presence of close family members, friends and relatives, conducts the wedding rituals. In orthodox families the men and women are seated separately. The 'Walis' (the father of the bride and of the bridegroom) play a vital role in the wedding ceremony. The Maulvi reads selected verses from the Quran and the Nikaah is complete after the Ijab-e-Qubul (proposal and acceptance). The groom's side proposes and the bride's side conveys her consent. The mutual consent of the bride and groom is of very importance for the marriage to be legal. The Mehar is a compulsory amount of money given by the groom's family to the bride on the day of the wedding. It is a custom according to the rules laid down in Islam. The Nikaahnaama is a document in which the marriage contract is registered. It contains a set of terms and conditions that must be followed by both the families, it also gives the bride the right to divorce her husband. The contract is legal only when the bridegroom, the bride, the Walis, and the Maulvi duly sign it. After the wedding ceremony is over the newly wedded bride and groom receives blessings from the elders and older women of the family and the guests pray for their happy married life.Dinner, Prayers and AarsimashafAfter the wedding a dinner party is organized for the guests and relatives. After the dinner, the newly wedded couple sits together for the first time. The Quran is placed between the couple and they are allowed to see each other only through mirrors.Post-wedding CeremoniesIn the post wedding rituals there are the function of Rukshat where the bride's family bids farewell to her as she leaves her father's home and goes to her husband's house. It is a very emotional moment for the bride's family. The bride's father gives her hand to her husband and tells him to take care of her.Welcoming the brideAfter the bride reaches her husband's house her mother-in-law welcomes her. The groom's mother holds the Quran above the head of her new daughter-in-law as she enters her new home for the first time after the wedding.ChauthiOn Chauthi the bride visits her parent's home. It is the fourth day after the wedding, when she visits the home of her parents. She receives a grand welcome from her family members.Valimah or Reception CeremonyIt is the reception given by the groom's family. The Valimah is a grand reception hosted by the groom's family after the Nikaah. It is a fun and joyous occasion that brings together the two families. It is the good time to meet the friends and relatives of both the families. It builds a new bond and relation between the two families

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Sanity And Weddings

By Tiffany A. Aller

As you begin planning for your big day, you?ll soon find that between the demands on your time by future hubby, the trials and errors of making wedding decisions, and the well meaning friends and family who just need to offer advice, sanity can be hard to maintain.? Never fear!? When planning your wedding, keep in mind a few simple facts, and you?ll be on your way to maintaining a stable course until your ?I do?s? become ?I did?s.?

Plan, Plan, Plan

It goes without saying that a wedding requires a lot of planning, whether your big day is to be the event of the decade or a simple gathering of your nearest and dearest.? So before you start signing contracts, writing checks and making decisions, create a plan.

An easy way to plan for your big day is to buy a steno notebook or a legal pad and devote each page to a different aspect of your wedding.? Carry that notebook around with you for weeks, jotting down notes anytime they come to your mind, before you make any decisions that cannot be reversed.

Once you?ve been charting your notes for awhile, sit down and review them with hubby-to-be.? His take is important, too!? If you are paying for your wedding on your own, as many modern couples do, ensure that your plans are in line with your budget.? If mom and dad are helping, don?t start spending their money before knowing how much is available.? Your dad might call you Princess, but his accounts may shout Cinderella!

And speaking of budgets: draw one up now!? Some couples just use the method of ?pay as you go,? but this can be very dangerous and result in spending far more money than originally intended.? Even if you will pay for portions of your wedding in increments, plan it out ahead of time.? If you find yourself having more money to spend as time goes by, by all means adjust your budget ? but don?t plan for money that may not be there to spend, as the result could be cutting details from your wedding at the last minute.

While planning, keep in mind that nothing is impossible and everything has a price.? Think something can?t be done?? Forget it!? There are amazing resources available to make almost any dream come true ? and many affordable alternatives to help you get to your big day without visiting a bankruptcy court along the way.

Stick To Your Guns

A common habit in wedding planning is to make a decision, second guess that decision, change that decision, second guess your second decision, and then revert back to your original decision.? STOP!? You?re driving yourself nuts for no reason!? Thoroughly planning every aspect of your wedding can help you to avoid this common pitfall.? Trust in your own instincts ? only you and hubby-to-be know what will best suit your big day.

Beware of wedding planners!? They are mostly wonderful professionals, but some come with hidden agendas.? If you hire a wedding planner to help with your big day, ensure that contracting with them does not require also contracting with specific vendors, but instead still allows you leeway in the decisions you?ll make for your wedding.? Some wedding planners will receive a percentage back from their preferred wedding vendors, in addition to the fees you?re paying them yourself, so take each piece of advice with a grain of salt and weigh to ensure that the decisions you make are actually in line with the wedding you envision.

Everything is negotiable, and a good deal of sanity can be retained simply by negotiating with the vendors you already prefer rather than pitting a multitude of vendors against one another.? If you want something added on to a package deal, speak up and request it.? Vendors often pad their pricing, leaving them room to negotiate deals that are very beneficial to the happy couple.? If you are unsatisfied with any aspect of any service offered by your wedding vendors, complain immediately.? If your complaint is reasonable instead of petty, most vendors will go out of their way to help you and ensure your future happiness.

Ignore Advice (Just not this column!)

Once you announce your engagement, female friends and relatives will start coming out of the woodwork to offer you advice.? You may not have talked to Cousin Cathy since the 8th grade, but she?ll want to share her wedding woes with you.? Your best friend from elementary school will randomly pop an email into your mail box with advice from outer space.? Your mom?oh, your mom.? Mom will have lots of advice to offer, most of it more than a few years out of date.

How can anyone maintain sanity in conditions like that?? Easily!? Ignore it all!? Weddings are not the time to appease everyone you?ve ever met.? You?re getting married ? not your mom, your cousin, your friend from outer space, or your fianc钳 second cousin?s sister-in-law?s great Aunt Sally.? While everyone has a story to share, it?s your wedding, and you?ll do well to remember that.? This is not to say that you have to purposefully hurt feelings in order to get your own way with your wedding.? That?s absolutely unnecessary.? Simply put your foot down and insist on what you want.

What about those times when you do want advice for planning aspects of your big day?? Carefully consider who might be the best source before consulting anyone.? Never send an email to every female you know soliciting advice.? Chances are that your responses will include enough contradictory data to make the Warren Commission read like a how-to manual.? If you need advice, consult one person at a time.? Your advice will be much closer to the target if it?s solicited strategically.

What about when feelings are inadvertently hurt?? There are times when planning a wedding can resemble campaigning for political office ? you?ll have to give time to your constituents, whether you want to or not.? Dear Aunt Sally may simply be dying to share her experience with a baker that went out of business during the Great Depression.? It may be worth your while to give her five minutes of your time to get your story out, so she feels like she?s made a contribution towards your big day.? Who knows?? Sometimes in the midst of humoring someone, valuable advice can come about.

Pick Your Cast Responsibly

Many people will play a role in your big day, from your families to your wedding party to your chosen vendors.? When picking anyone to be a part of your big day, do so responsibly, and ensure yourself a day free from stress.

Your cousin Cathy may just have the best possible ever DJ in mind that you absolutely have to use ? but he just happens to be young, lackadaisical, and may or may not show up.? With your vendors, get testimonials from previous clients before hiring.? While hiring a vendor who may be newer could save money, would you rather save money or enjoy the success of your vendor?? Track records are highly indicative of the service you?ll receive on your big day.

What about your wedding party?? Weddings are not the time to play backsies.? Even if you were in a string of fifteen weddings the summer after college graduation for girls you promised to stay close to forever, all fifteen may not need to play a role in your own wedding five or ten years later!? Ensure that anyone chosen to play a role in your big day will contribute meaningfully and be there when you need them.

Finally: family.? Ah, family.? The antithesis, often, of sanity.? Obviously, it?s a little too late to pick your family.? Mom may kill you if you un-invite her sister just because Aunt Sally is driving you nuts.? So how can you maintain your sanity while dealing with your wedding and your family?? Assign babysitters!? If you have some relatives that just won?t stay in line, find another family member, or close friend, who can keep them distracted and out of your way.? Assign tasks!? Stop the flow of advice by keeping Aunt Sally busy with a task that will keep her mind occupied for awhile, and you?ll be able to spend time on more important things.

In the long run, maintaining your sanity while planning your wedding can seem a daunting task.? But one more ingredient can help supplement other ideas in this article and ensure that your wedding day goes off without a hitch or a strait jacket ? humor.? Always being able to laugh off inconsequential occurrences will help keep everything in perspective and ensure the best wedding day ever!
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Sanity And Weddings

By Tiffany A. Aller

As you begin planning for your big day, you?ll soon find that between the demands on your time by future hubby, the trials and errors of making wedding decisions, and the well meaning friends and family who just need to offer advice, sanity can be hard to maintain.? Never fear!? When planning your wedding, keep in mind a few simple facts, and you?ll be on your way to maintaining a stable course until your ?I do?s? become ?I did?s.?

Plan, Plan, Plan

It goes without saying that a wedding requires a lot of planning, whether your big day is to be the event of the decade or a simple gathering of your nearest and dearest.? So before you start signing contracts, writing checks and making decisions, create a plan.

An easy way to plan for your big day is to buy a steno notebook or a legal pad and devote each page to a different aspect of your wedding.? Carry that notebook around with you for weeks, jotting down notes anytime they come to your mind, before you make any decisions that cannot be reversed.

Once you?ve been charting your notes for awhile, sit down and review them with hubby-to-be.? His take is important, too!? If you are paying for your wedding on your own, as many modern couples do, ensure that your plans are in line with your budget.? If mom and dad are helping, don?t start spending their money before knowing how much is available.? Your dad might call you Princess, but his accounts may shout Cinderella!

And speaking of budgets: draw one up now!? Some couples just use the method of ?pay as you go,? but this can be very dangerous and result in spending far more money than originally intended.? Even if you will pay for portions of your wedding in increments, plan it out ahead of time.? If you find yourself having more money to spend as time goes by, by all means adjust your budget ? but don?t plan for money that may not be there to spend, as the result could be cutting details from your wedding at the last minute.

While planning, keep in mind that nothing is impossible and everything has a price.? Think something can?t be done?? Forget it!? There are amazing resources available to make almost any dream come true ? and many affordable alternatives to help you get to your big day without visiting a bankruptcy court along the way.

Stick To Your Guns

A common habit in wedding planning is to make a decision, second guess that decision, change that decision, second guess your second decision, and then revert back to your original decision.? STOP!? You?re driving yourself nuts for no reason!? Thoroughly planning every aspect of your wedding can help you to avoid this common pitfall.? Trust in your own instincts ? only you and hubby-to-be know what will best suit your big day.

Beware of wedding planners!? They are mostly wonderful professionals, but some come with hidden agendas.? If you hire a wedding planner to help with your big day, ensure that contracting with them does not require also contracting with specific vendors, but instead still allows you leeway in the decisions you?ll make for your wedding.? Some wedding planners will receive a percentage back from their preferred wedding vendors, in addition to the fees you?re paying them yourself, so take each piece of advice with a grain of salt and weigh to ensure that the decisions you make are actually in line with the wedding you envision.

Everything is negotiable, and a good deal of sanity can be retained simply by negotiating with the vendors you already prefer rather than pitting a multitude of vendors against one another.? If you want something added on to a package deal, speak up and request it.? Vendors often pad their pricing, leaving them room to negotiate deals that are very beneficial to the happy couple.? If you are unsatisfied with any aspect of any service offered by your wedding vendors, complain immediately.? If your complaint is reasonable instead of petty, most vendors will go out of their way to help you and ensure your future happiness.

Ignore Advice (Just not this column!)

Once you announce your engagement, female friends and relatives will start coming out of the woodwork to offer you advice.? You may not have talked to Cousin Cathy since the 8th grade, but she?ll want to share her wedding woes with you.? Your best friend from elementary school will randomly pop an email into your mail box with advice from outer space.? Your mom?oh, your mom.? Mom will have lots of advice to offer, most of it more than a few years out of date.

How can anyone maintain sanity in conditions like that?? Easily!? Ignore it all!? Weddings are not the time to appease everyone you?ve ever met.? You?re getting married ? not your mom, your cousin, your friend from outer space, or your fianc钳 second cousin?s sister-in-law?s great Aunt Sally.? While everyone has a story to share, it?s your wedding, and you?ll do well to remember that.? This is not to say that you have to purposefully hurt feelings in order to get your own way with your wedding.? That?s absolutely unnecessary.? Simply put your foot down and insist on what you want.

What about those times when you do want advice for planning aspects of your big day?? Carefully consider who might be the best source before consulting anyone.? Never send an email to every female you know soliciting advice.? Chances are that your responses will include enough contradictory data to make the Warren Commission read like a how-to manual.? If you need advice, consult one person at a time.? Your advice will be much closer to the target if it?s solicited strategically.

What about when feelings are inadvertently hurt?? There are times when planning a wedding can resemble campaigning for political office ? you?ll have to give time to your constituents, whether you want to or not.? Dear Aunt Sally may simply be dying to share her experience with a baker that went out of business during the Great Depression.? It may be worth your while to give her five minutes of your time to get your story out, so she feels like she?s made a contribution towards your big day.? Who knows?? Sometimes in the midst of humoring someone, valuable advice can come about.

Pick Your Cast Responsibly

Many people will play a role in your big day, from your families to your wedding party to your chosen vendors.? When picking anyone to be a part of your big day, do so responsibly, and ensure yourself a day free from stress.

Your cousin Cathy may just have the best possible ever DJ in mind that you absolutely have to use ? but he just happens to be young, lackadaisical, and may or may not show up.? With your vendors, get testimonials from previous clients before hiring.? While hiring a vendor who may be newer could save money, would you rather save money or enjoy the success of your vendor?? Track records are highly indicative of the service you?ll receive on your big day.

What about your wedding party?? Weddings are not the time to play backsies.? Even if you were in a string of fifteen weddings the summer after college graduation for girls you promised to stay close to forever, all fifteen may not need to play a role in your own wedding five or ten years later!? Ensure that anyone chosen to play a role in your big day will contribute meaningfully and be there when you need them.

Finally: family.? Ah, family.? The antithesis, often, of sanity.? Obviously, it?s a little too late to pick your family.? Mom may kill you if you un-invite her sister just because Aunt Sally is driving you nuts.? So how can you maintain your sanity while dealing with your wedding and your family?? Assign babysitters!? If you have some relatives that just won?t stay in line, find another family member, or close friend, who can keep them distracted and out of your way.? Assign tasks!? Stop the flow of advice by keeping Aunt Sally busy with a task that will keep her mind occupied for awhile, and you?ll be able to spend time on more important things.

In the long run, maintaining your sanity while planning your wedding can seem a daunting task.? But one more ingredient can help supplement other ideas in this article and ensure that your wedding day goes off without a hitch or a strait jacket ? humor.? Always being able to laugh off inconsequential occurrences will help keep everything in perspective and ensure the best wedding day ever!
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Wedding Know-how: Moving Beyond The Basic

By Holly Burr
By now, you should have assessed your finances and determined what you can realistically count on for a wedding budget.? You should also have a time and place chosen, and decided the number of attendants and a rough estimate of guests. Now, let?s move on.

Wedding Attire?the style of dress you choose for the wedding will set the tone for the entire ceremony.? A wedding held in the late afternoon and evening (5:00 and later) generally has a more formal theme with full-length dresses, a long train for the bride, and tuxedos for the men.? Afternoon weddings can also accommodate a full-length wedding dress complete with a train, but you will want to consider your site in making this decision.? If you have planned a late summer ceremony outside near a lake, you might want to forego the heavy dress and long train that could easily get soiled.

Dark colors like black, navy, and deep reds and purples are best at formal, evening events. Light colors and pastels are good colors for morning and afternoon ceremonies and even work fine for evening ceremonies in the summer.

Attention to detail will make all the difference in a ceremony that looks unified or one that looks thrown together.? Choose the bridal gown first.? Then, look for attendants? gowns that have a similar style?matching necklines, waistlines, and/or bodice styles.? If you have several attendants, you will need to consider all their body types when choosing the perfect dress.? Keep the attendants in mind as well when selecting dress color.? Not everyone looks good in buttercup yellow.

D飯r?decorating for a wedding can be one of the most expensive parts of the whole shindig.? The cost of flowers will add up quickly if you aren?t careful.? Consider other options to flowers. Some greenhouses rent greenery for a nominal fee.? Candlelight can lend a romantic feel to a ceremony and require less decoration in the dim lighting.? Attendants don?t have to carry large bouquets?a single, large flower like a rose or calla lily can be quite enchanting.? There are also other alternatives for attendants to carry-a Bible or candle to name a few.

At a bare minimum, you will need a bridal bouquet, corsages for mothers and grandmothers, and boutonnieres for the groom and groomsmen.?

Refreshments?the time of the ceremony will also determine the amount of refreshments you provide.? A late morning or early afternoon wedding may be able to get away with cake and punch.? But, if you place a ceremony smack in the middle of a mealtime you may need to consider finger foods, buffet, or catered dinner.? A reception before noon and during the traditional lunchtime could offer finger sandwiches, cheeses, fruits and such.? A reception crowding in on dinnertime, might offer a buffet with meatballs, buffalo wings, quiche, egg rolls, various salads, fruits, and so on.

Wedding cake is almost always an expected treat.? Grooms cake is negotiable.? More about these in the next segment.

Take your time as you head into this section of planning your wedding.? The areas mentioned above will be the most visual part of the day.? Get several quotes on prices.? Ask opinions from family and friends, but ultimately do what is in your heart. It is, after all, your big day.

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Handfasting For The Modern Bride

By Wenona Napolitano


?If you are having a Celtic, Renaissance, or medieval theme wedding Handfasting is a great ritual to add to your traditional ceremony and vows. Handfasting was traditionally a simple ceremony where the bride and groom faced each other and joined right hand to right hand and left hand to left hand and were bound by a ceremonial wrap or rope. The expression of ?tying the knot? came from this early Celtic marriage ritual. Later Irish, Scots, and the Welsh also adopted this ritual. Though Pagan in origin the symbolism of this ritual was so expressive it even found its way into the liturgy of some factions of Catholicism practiced in Britain after the rise of Christianity.

There are many variations on Handfasting ceremonies. Some use a single silk cord or a family clan tartan. One variation is a very detailed six corded ceremony which I will give an example of. Another variation is at the end of the ceremony the couple hold hands and jump over a branch or broom into their new life together.

You can work this ritual into your traditional wedding as long as you have an Officiate that is open to performing a handfasting or you can have a separate officiate to perform just that part of your wedding. Depending on what else you are including in your wedding ceremony you will want to find a good place to include the handfasting so everything flows smoothly. I think it best to start out with the handfasting or end with it. Ending with the handfasting is great especially if you are going to be jumping over the broom or branch together. Just take into mind jumping might be awkward if you have a very full or long dress. The last thing you want to do is fall on your face at your wedding. ????????Finding someone to perform your wedding that is experienced with handfasting rituals is a great help. They can coordinate all aspects of your wedding to flow smoothly.

Here is one variation of a Handfasting ritual. ?This was the ritual my Officiate offered to perform at my wedding. This is a six cord ritual. You will need six cords. Silk is a good option. You can purchase cording from any sewing supply store. It usual comes on a roll and you can purchase it by the yard. The cords should be at least 2 feet long a piece.

The Officiate will start with:

Know now that since your lives have crossed, you have formed ties between each other. The promises you make today and the ties that are bound here will cross the years and greatly strengthen your union. With full awareness, know that you declare your intent to be handfasted before your friends and families.

The Officiate asks the bride and groom:

Do you still seek to enter this ceremony?

The bride and groom answer:

?Yes, we seek to enter?

The Officiate to the bride and groom:

I bid you look into one another?s eyes and hands the cords to the best man to hold onto to.
(When the Officiate speaks to the bride and groom, their names are to be substituted for bride and groom, for example instead of Bride, will you? it will be say, Amanda, will you?)
Bride, will you honor him?? ?I will?
Groom, will you honor her? ?I will?
Groom and Bride, will you seek never to give cause to break that honor? ?Yes?
And so the binding is made. Join your hands. (The first cord is draped across the hands)

Bride, will you share his dreams? ?I will?
Groom, will you share her dreams? ?I will?
Groom and Bride, will you dream together to create new realities and hopes? ?Yes?
And so the binding is made. (Second cord is draped across hands)

Bride, will you share his laughter? ?I will?
Groom, will you share her laughter? ?I will?
Groom and Bride, will both of you look for the brightness in life and the positive in each other? ?Yes?
And so the binding is made. (Third cord draped across hands)

Bride, might you ever burden him? ?I might? Is that your intent? ?No?
Groom, might you ever burden her? ?I might? Is that your intent? ?No?
Groom and Bride, will you share the burdens of each so that your spirits may grow in this union? ?Yes?
And so the binding is made. (Fourth cord is draped across the hands)

Bride, might you ever cause him pain? ?I might? Is that your intent? ?No?
Groom, might you ever cause her pain? ?I might? Is that your intent? ?No?
Groom and Bride, will you both share each other?s pain and seek to ease it? ?Yes?
And so the binding is made. (Fifth cord draped across the hands)

Bride, might you ever cause him anger? ?I might? Is that your intent? ?No?
Groom, might you ever cause her anger? ?I might? Is that your intent? ?No?
Groom and bride, will you together take the heat of anger and use it to temper the strength of this union? ?Yes?
And so the binding is made. (Sixth cord is draped across the hands)

The officiate hands the ceremonial book to the best man then ties the cords together and states:

The knots of this binding are not formed by these cords, but rather by your vows. For always, you hold in your own hands the making or breaking of this union.

The cords are then removed and placed on the altar. The best man gives the ceremonial book back to officiate.

This ritual can be customized to fit your needs and desires. It?s your wedding. You can even use this example and rewrite the vows to what you want them to say. I liked this particular example because it is honest and real. Might you cause pain? Yeah, it happens whether we mean it or not. It?s how you handle it afterward. It just seemed very true and fit my husband and me perfectly.

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Wedding Reception Selection

By Susan M. Keenan ?2006

When visiting a potential site for your wedding reception, it is a good idea to have a list of questions handy.? In fact, keeping notes in a small copybook is a terrific way to organize the information.

Although it is true that most reception locations provide colorful and informative brochures, there is nothing like first hand information.? Take notes on your initial impression of the place.? Remember to include your fianc钳 impressions as well.

Jot down what you think of the individual who presents the reception location to you.? If the individual is brusque and delivers short answers to all of your questions, consider that this might be something of a problem when trying to coordinate the details.

Make a notation as to the appearance of the reception location.? Is it everything that you want?? Is the coloring going to clash with the bridesmaids? dresses?? Is the color your fianc钳 least favorite color?? Although this may seem like a petty detail, sometimes it may come down to only one or two minor things when trying to decide between two excellent choices.

Besides the obvious question as to whether the reception site has your date available, many other questions are also necessary.? If you are hiring the reception site to provide all of the amenities necessary for the reception with a per person fee, it is still important to ask about any additional fees that might not be mentioned up front.

For instance, is there a cake cutting fee?? Does the place charge a separate fee for the bartender?? How much is charged for the gratuity?? Is there a separate clean up fee?? Are there any other hidden fees that you should know about??

Financial details should be attended to as well.? Discuss what the payment policy is.? Find out what the cancellation policy is in the event of a change in plans for whatever reasons.? Are credit card payments acceptable or must a personal check be used??

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All You Need To Know About Planning a Wedding

There?s a lot to consider when you are planning a wedding?and most often, it is the bride and her closest friends and family who are left holding the responsibility to plan the entire wedding. The task of planning a wedding can be daunting, but if you take it step by step and plan a little at a time, it can be a wonderful experience for everyone. We?ll look at how to plan a wedding in nine easy steps:

Choosing the wedding dress

The wedding dress is one of the most important parts for the bride?it is the clothing that she will wear on one of the biggest days of her life. Unless you can be sure that you will find a pre-made dress that will be exactly what you want and fit you well, then you should allow several months to design, fit and make your wedding dress. Consult a designer about color, style, accessories and fabric for your wedding dress. You could also choose an ?off the rack? dress and have it altered to fit you perfectly. Your dress should be ready for the bride to wear at least two weeks before the wedding. Everyone is very busy in the last week of preparations, and one of the things that can be off the list is the wedding dress.

Flowers

Most brides want to carry a bouquet of flowers on their big day, as well as have flowers for their matron of honor and bridesmaids. If price is not an object, you can select flowers that match your wedding theme and color palette. If expense is an object, then choose fresh flowers that are in season from the florist or hire silk flowers for the day. You should set a definitive budget for flowers, including any display flowers and all the bouquets that you will need and want. Talk to a florist and figure out an approximate cost of what you want, or just set a strict budget of a certain amount to purchase flowers with.

Choosing the flower bouquet for the bride is a big deal and should reflect the dress she is wearing. A long dress usually means a larger bouquet, while a knee-length dress should have a smaller bouquet. There are many options for flowers and bouquets at the wedding, and talking to the wedding planner or dress designer can help out a lot. If you want other flowers at your wedding, talk to a designer or a florist for some help on arrangements that fit within your budget.

Wedding invitations

Wedding invitations set the tone for the wedding and should reflect the style of the wedding. The invitation to the wedding can tell people who, what, when, where and why, but can also communicate the type of wedding it will be. If you have a particular theme planned for your wedding, then stick to a themed invitation. While you are planning invitations, you will also need to plan for place cards at the wedding reception and thank you cards. You will need to choose and purchase your wedding invitations as soon as possible and get them sent out in good time. If you choose to have your wedding invitations printed, you will have time to proof them before the final ones are printed. You should plan to send invitations to the wedding six to eight weeks in advance. This allows people to make room on their calendars as well as RSVP in time for you to plan for the caterer and arrange seating.

Photographs

Weddings mean photographs and there are a lot of different ways to preserve this day on film. You can hire a photographer to take photos of the wedding party, the bride and groom, and other events at the wedding. It?s best to hire a photographer in advance and have a meeting ahead of time to discuss details of the photos that you want. Set a budget for yourself for photographs?this will help you stay in line, some photographers charge a lot for photos and if you don?t set a budget, it can be easy to get carried away.

Another modern option for photographs at your wedding is to place disposable cameras on each of the tables at the wedding reception. This will make sure that many of the moments that could be missed by a professional are caught on film for you. It also allows your guests to become involved in preserving this special day.

Choosing a venue

Choosing a place for the wedding and reception can be daunting, and will likely depend on the style and type of wedding you are having. As soon as you decide on where you want to hold your wedding and reception, you will want to book them right away. Booking in advance is key because many popular places book up early for weddings. It?s a good idea to have several places in mind, or alternate dates (before the wedding invitations are made, of course) to avoid disappointment. You will have to take into account how many people will be present at your wedding to make sure the venue you choose will hold as many people.
Choosing a venue for the wedding reception should also happen early in your planning. You will need to take into consideration the approximate number of guests as well as food and entertainment. Create a budget for the reception, some halls and venues provide packages that can reduce the cost.

The reception and entertainment

Preparing for the wedding reception is key. The reception can be formal or informal and can include a whole bunch of activities. Most commonly, there is food served, as well as entertainment and an area to dance. There is a ?traditional? order of events for a wedding reception, but you aren?t beholden to it. It?s a good idea to choose someone to be the emcee at your wedding reception to keep things on track and relaxed. Other traditional features of a wedding reception are: cutting the cake, receiving line, first dance, tossing the bouquet and garter, and a dance.

For entertainment, you will require music, such as a deejay or live band. The prices of entertainment vary, so keep with your budget and plan accordingly.

Wedding cakes

Wedding cakes come in all sizes, shapes, colors and flavors. You can choose a wedding cake based on your theme, or go for a traditional tiered cake. Once again, it?s best to make the wedding cake decision early on in your planning. Choose a confectioner that is reputable and discuss with them the type of cake you want. You will have to plan the type of cake, as well as pick up and delivery of the cake to the reception. Your confectioner will likely have a list or portfolio of wedding cakes, so choose wisely. If you want to save a portion of the cake to eat on your first anniversary or christening of your first child, ensure you discuss this with the confectioner about freezing and thawing for these occasions.

Planning transportation
There are a lot of options available for transportation?you can use a limousine service or the vehicles of family and friends for transportation. There are many options and making this decision is best done in advance so you can book the vehicles you need. Not only will you have to decide how to get the bride and groom to their wedding, you will need to plan to get the guests of honor to the wedding as well, such as the parents of the bride and groom, the wedding party and close family members. You may also need to arrange transport to the wedding reception, to where the photographs are being taken and traveling to where you are headed for the first night of your honeymoon.

There are a lot of options available, and many rental places for vehicles and limos have wedding packages available. Discuss with a professional your needs and work from there. If you are using the vehicles of family and friends, you may want to decorate them as well. Keep in mind that you have to ensure you have drivers for all the vehicles. The bride won?t be able to drive in her big wedding dress!

After the wedding?it?s time to honeymoon

Honeymoons are a traditional part of the wedding and most often, the bride and groom leave from the reception to go to their honeymoon. You can choose a destination that you both want to go to and book the flights and accommodations as soon as possible. You can choose to go anywhere or do anything?there are many options available. Remember, you will likely need local accommodations for the first night (the night of your reception) unless you can work the time that you can leave and get right onto your flight. (Remember to leave time for the bride and groom to change.) Choosing accommodations near the airport will help save some time and trouble.

The honeymoon destination should be chosen collectively by the bride and groom?it?s not imperative that you leave right on to your honeymoon?modern day brides and grooms sometimes leave a week or two later after their wedding, or longer. The choice is up to you.

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Beach Weddings

Congratulations!? You are planning a wedding!? Even better, you are planning on getting married on the beach!? Beach weddings can be a fun, affordable way to tie-the-knot!? What kind of beach wedding are you looking for?? Will it be just you and your significant other? Or a large wedding with numerous guests?? With beach weddings, you can have whatever type of wedding you choose!

There are many things to keep in mind when planning a wedding on the beach.? Sure, it is a beautiful place to begin your life together.? But keep in mind that beaches have rules, just like most things in life.? The first step in planning a wedding on the beach is getting permission to get married there.? You can?t just show up and get married!? It doesn?t work quite that easily.? That would be similar to just showing up at a church expecting to wed the love of your life that very minute.? The bottom line is:? get permission for your beach wedding.? Public or private beach it doesn?t matter!? You still need to get the okay!?

Once you have received the go ahead to wed on the beach of your choice, make sure that you are prepared with questions about what is okay or not okay for your ceremony. Do you need a permit to get married there??? Find out where the nearest bathrooms are.? You don?t want your guests to have to walk for miles to touch up his or her hair.? Find out what the rules are on erecting large party tents and putting chairs down for the event.? Ask if the area for your wedding will be segregated from other beach goers.? After all, you don?t want a wedding crasher showing up on your special day!

Once you have your questions answered, you can proceed with the actual planning of your beach wedding.? What kind of wedding do you want to have?? Do you want just family and close friends?? Do you want a large wedding with over one hundred people?? Or, would you rather just keep it between you and your sweetheart, and of course, the officiant!

If you decide on a big wedding at the beach, keep in mind how much space you have.? Will you have enough space to place chairs where you want them?? Or, would you rather have people stand and watch you walk down the aisle?? Remember, not everyone is able to stand, so having a few chairs for those who may not be able to stand is important!? Is your wedding at a beach in a far away location?? If it is and you are planning a big wedding, don?t be disappointed when you receive many ?unable to attend? on your RSVP?s.? After all, traveling to a beach wedding can be expensive, thus cutting down on how many people can attend.

A beach wedding is an amazing way to tie the knot!? Yes, it will require planning and discussion.? But in the end, as you are walking down the beach, listening to the water lap onto the shore and perhaps witnessing a beautiful sunset, you will remember why you chose the beach as the location to start your married life!

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Civil Wedding Ceremonies

By Susan M. Keenan ?2006

With the frequent intermingling of religions as couples unite in marriage, weddings have turned more and more to civil ceremonies. While civil ceremonies allow for the inclusion of religious elements, they do not require them, nor do they restrict them.? With a civil ceremony, both participants can show respect for the other?s religious beliefs or lack of a religious standing.

Moreover, as more and more couples go through a second wedding, large ceremonies are passed over in favor of smaller and more personalized ceremonies that bring even greater pleasure to the couple.? More and more, these ceremonies are civil ceremonies that have been carefully composed and orchestrated by the couple down to the very last detail.

Furthermore, civil ceremonies have the flexibility to allow each individual to include aspects that are important to him or her.? The couple may personalize every detail of the ceremony, making it a unique and memorable occasion.? Special vows, carefully selected readings, a distinctive wedding theme, sentimental symbols, and an unforgettable location can all contribute to a wonderfully orchestrated wedding ceremony.

Traditional and nontraditional elements are often incorporated into civil ceremonies, including the unity candle, the rose ceremony, the wine ceremony, sand ceremony, salt ceremony, breaking bread ceremony, the garland ceremony, the broom jumping ceremony, or the circling ceremony.? Many of these are cultural traditions that have been handed down from generation to generation.? In fact, current times have brought about a revival of such wonderful traditions and they are becoming increasingly popular as part of wedding ceremonies.

Civil ceremonies take place in a variety of locations, depending solely on the discretion of the couple and the individual performing the ceremony.? Whether they are performed in a judge?s chamber, lawyer?s office, Las Vegas Wedding Chapel, or the home of the bride and groom, today?s civil ceremonies are just as elegant as religious weddings.

Local courthouses, as well as several online sites, provide a wealth of information concerning civil ceremonies.? They outline what is required to obtain the marriage license, as well as how to go about scheduling a civil ceremony, or find someone to officiate at their wedding.? All that is needed for the actual event are the same basic ingredients that are needed for a religious wedding ceremony: the marriage license, wedding fee, two witnesses, someone to perform the ceremony, a location, and, of course, the wedding couple.

With a civil ceremony, any number of venues may be selected for the location, including colorful gardens, sandy beaches, grand ballrooms, expensive yachts, adventurous theme parks, exhilarating mountains, serene courtyards, and more.? Wedding settings, which set the theme for the wedding, have entered a new realm of ?anywhere goes.?? Couples select locations that have special meaning for them or for their entire family.? Today, no place is too strange, too distant, or too unique for a civil wedding.

The couples determine the length of the ceremony with their choices of wedding vows, readings, and the ceremonial words.? Therefore, it is extremely important for the couple to contact someone who not only is legally capable of performing the ceremony, but also, is willing to be flexible and allow specific changes.

Most officials of civil ceremonies have standard texts available for performing them.? At the local courthouse, the limitations may be a bit more stringent than ceremonies taking place at a venue of the couple?s choosing.? While the couple is able to incorporate variations, they need to discuss this in advance with their wedding official.?

Reading through what is available ahead of time, or the sample ceremonies, is highly recommended.? If the couple decides they want something slightly different, they can discuss it with the official they have hired.? In fact, the couple should be sure to discuss all of the pertinent details with their official prior to the wedding, including ceremony location, readings or vow changes, reception location and invitation if it is being offered, fees for the ceremony, and their availability for a rehearsal.

Civil ceremony fees may vary across state lines.? Typically, courthouse weddings have set fees.? Some officials may not accept a gratuity or charge a fee outside of the standard charge at the courthouse.? However, when hiring an official to perform a ceremony outside of the official location, additional costs may be incurred.?

Today?s civil ceremonies also include the opportunity for the wedding couple to turn and face their audience as they express their special sentiments and vows to each other.? Whether the wedding ceremony portrays any elements of religious, secular, or personal nature isn?t the important issue.? Civil ceremonies allow the couple to express their hopes for the future, their dreams for their marriage, and their belief in each other.

Civil ceremonies offer an excellent way to have a meaningful wedding ceremony outside of the element of religion.? They provide an avenue for customizing one of the most important days in the lifetime of the couple. When the official pronounces the special union of husband and wife before their family, friends, and co-workers, the newly forged bond between the couple is permanent.

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Rose Ceremony

?I now pronounce you husband and wife.? These words have a nearly universal meaning and are traditionally used to conclude the end of the time-honored wedding ceremony.? However, more and more modern brides and grooms are choosing to embellish on what has been a long-standing and rarely changed ritual by adding special touches of their own. One such addition is called the Rose Ceremony.

The Rose Ceremony is typically performed directly after the couple is announced as husband and wife. Because of this, it allows a commingling of the traditional (the vows) and the modern (the exchanging of the roses). The Rose Ceremony is also easily modified to include children.

The Rose Ceremony begins with the couple each holding a red rose. They exchange their roses as a symbol, both of their love and of their first and most important gift to each other. Additional vows, written by the husband and wife, are also easily added into the ceremony, as well as any special songs that they feel are appropriate.

If there are children involved in the ceremony, now would be an opportune time to allow the new parents to give a rose (or to each of their step-children. This inclusion into the ceremony provides the newly connected family with a way of bonding themselves together forever.

While seeming like a modern addition to the more traditional wedding ceremony, the exchanging of flowers with special meanings goes back to the Victorian ages, when it was called floriography. Although the varied meanings behind many flowers and their colors has been lost to the general public, with the advent of the Internet it is easy to find all the information that you need to plan a beautiful Rose Ceremony.

The color of the roses exchanged can be chosen with help from a variety of books on the subject of flowers and their meanings.? ?The Language of Flowers: A History? by Beverly Seaton is one such book, and comes highly recommended. As well as containing the meanings of various flower colors, Seaton?s book provides a detailed history of the symbolism of different flowers throughout the ages.?

It is important to note that while it is typically referred to as a Rose Ceremony, the actual use of roses is not at all required. Depending on the meaning that you want to imply or the colors of your wedding, other flowers may not only be suitable but preferred. For example, a pink carnation represents motherly love and would be quite suitable for a bride to give to her step-children, or for the bride and groom to present to their mothers-in-law. The lilac, which comes in both purple and white (and therefore easily matches wedding colors), represents true and pure love.

Whatever flowers you choose and for whatever reason you choose them, the addition of the Rose Ceremony onto the end of your wedding ceremony is a sure way to show the world your devotion and love on your most special day.

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